Adventures in :
by Disco Ant
Summary: Chapter 42 : Adventures in Poop. : No matter how much Goemon tries to avoid it, nature will come calling.
1. Chapter 1 : High School

**About the series...  
**

This will be a compilation of stories with the characters doing real life ordinary stuff. Or something. Some ideas I have don't quite fit that, but most do. It's humorous and everyone is almost always out of character. So, I hope the ones reading enjoy this. I'm not sure how often this will be updated. I guess whenever I get around to writing them and still have wacky ideas. Yeah, the Adventures in... thing is lame, but I suck at titles and descriptions as you may well know. xD

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**Adventures in High School**

By D. Ant

The classroom was the usual square white room, just large enough for thirty desks, the teachers desk and some walking space. Various posters dotted the walls, most of great literary figures. The teacher, Mr. Pycal, was in the middle of a vocabulary lesson.  
Pycal's English classes were usually calm and relaxing, the students no problem and all willing to pay attention and learn.  
This class was an exception.  
"Mr. Lupin, please use that word in a sentence."  
Lupin looked up from his doodles. "What word were we on again?"  
Pycal groaned. "Recidivist."  
Lupin stared off blankly.  
"I'll give you a hint. It fits you perfectly."  
"Um...I'm a recidivist? No, I got it. I'm a hot and sexy recidivist."  
Some giggles were heard around the class.  
"You're dreaming again, Lupin," Jigen said, tossing a crumpled piece of paper at his head.  
Pycal rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Okay, moving on... Mr. Jigen, you get the...oh great." He groaned. "You get the next word."  
Jigen looked down at his worksheet and started to laugh. Lupin then joined in after seeing the word.  
"You got a good one, Jigen."  
Goemon glanced over at the two, embarrassed for them.  
Fujiko groaned.  
"Okay, hold on," Jigen said, trying to stop laughing. "Okay. Lupin couldn't concentrate because Fujiko was largely titillating."  
He and Lupin burst out laughing.  
"Humongously titillating," Lupin added, making them laugh even more.  
Pycal sighed. "Sadly, that sentence works. But even so, I'm giving both of you detention."  
Lupin stopped laughing and looked at his teacher. "Oh come on! That's not fair!"  
"You're whining will get you nowhere."  
Fujiko looked over at Lupin and smirked.  
"If you give me the definition," Pycal said, "I won't give you detention." He knew neither knew what the word meant, as they rarely did their homework. Well, Lupin did his more than Jigen. "Well?"  
"Fujiko has huge tracts of land," Jigen said, laughing all over again.  
Lupin stifled his laughter. He actually knew the definition. "To be sexually arousing or to give sexual pleasure."  
Pycal was surprised. "I'm amazed. Okay, then that leaves Daisuke, who will stay behind after class."  
Lupin looked over at Fujiko and stuck his tongue out.  
Jigen was still laughing.  
Goemon had had enough. He stood, grabbing his sword and smacking Jigen in the side of the head with it.  
Jigen was knocked out cold, his head falling hard to the desk.  
Goemon then gave Lupin a cold stare.  
Lupin flinched, deciding he should behave.  
"Thank you, Goemon," Pycal said, once again able to resume his class.

* * *

Yeah, this was lame and very immature, but it popped in my head, so I wrote it. I blame the ad thing for The Shield. Honest. And Lupin only does more homework as he actually does research and such. Jigen just reads the newspaper. Plus they have him sleeping or laying down way too much. He's such a bum. 


	2. Chapter 2 : Taco Bell

A/N: I love both Taco Bell and Del Taco and I should weigh 50 pounds less for not living near either anymore, but sadly I don't lose weight that easily. xD Anyway, this was going to be longer, but it turned out to be like one of those SNL skits that goes on for ten minutes too long and isn't funny anymore. So, it ends where it does.

And also thank you Hazu, Gnu and Lealah for the reviews. Gnu... -rambles the part in Holy Grail where King Arthur is telling Bedevere it's 'ni' and not 'nu'- Ni!

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**Adventures in Taco Bell**

By D. Ant

"This place bothers me," Goemon said as he and the others sat at a booth.  
"Everything bothers you," Lupin muttered, ready to take a bite into his Double Decker taco.  
Goemon glanced over at Lupin, then looked down at his drink. "The name doesn't make sense. Taco Bell. Do tacos have bells?"  
"Of course they don't," Lupin said in frustration. "Don't be an idiot and just go get some food and shut up."  
"I still don't see why we couldn't have gone to Del Taco." Jigen sighed as he picked at his Nachos Bell Grande.  
"I already told you." Lupin groaned, more frustrated now than before. "Zenigata goes to eat there. Do you want to run into him?"  
"But, they have fries," Jigen whined.  
"Remember those cinnamon tortilla things Taco Bell used to have?" Fujiko asked. "Those were so good."  
"Yeah, I heard the new things are fried noodles. Hear that, Goemon?" Lupin stared at him. "Fried noodles."  
"Covered in cinnamon," Goemon said in disappointment. "No thank you."  
"Del Taco doesn't have cinnamon covered fried noodles, now, do they?" Lupin remarked.  
"No, they have milkshakes," Jigen said.  
"Del Taco doesn't make sense, either," Goemon pondered. "Why don't any of these places make sense?"  
"Makes more sense than Taco Bell," mumbled Jigen.  
"You two are just sad," Fujiko said as she finished her chicken soft taco and began eating her burrito.  
"Double cheese burgers, chili cheese fries, Macho Nachos, seven layer burritos..."  
Lupin glared at Jigen.  
Jigen decided to shut up.  
"Are those any good?" Goemon pointed to Jigen's nachos.  
Jigen shrugged. "Have some if you want." He pushed the container towards Goemon.  
"I'm gonna get some Cinnamon Twists," Lupin said as he stood. "Anybody want anything?"  
"More Mountain Dew," Jigen said as he held up his large drink cup.  
Lupin groaned. He knew Mountain Dew was almost pure caffeine and he dreaded Hyper Jigen. _Drunk Jigen is much better,_ he thought. "Okay, fine," he sighed, taking the cup.  
"Get me another burrito, please?" Fujiko looked up at Lupin with puppy dog eyes.  
_She's doing this on purpose. She's only eating burritos to keep me out of her room tonight._ "Fine," he once again sighed.  
"More nachos," Goemon demanded as he inhaled Jigen's nachos, cheese sauce and sour cream all over his face.  
"Uh huh..." Lupin made sure to grab some extra napkins as well. _Nacho addict. Great._

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Zenigata sat down at Del Taco. He had ordered a number 6 and an extra cup of fries.  
He loved their fries. "They don't have these at Taco Bell," he scoffed. "Taco Bell," he then thought. "That name doesn't make sense..."

"Run for the border..." Jigen read from an ad.  
"Don't even say it!" Lupin yelled in anger. "Shut up and drink your caffeine, you addict!"  
Goemon began to say something when he was cut off by Lupin.  
"You, too, you nacho addict! Look at you! You're pathetic! Both of you! You two need serious help!"  
Jigen and Goemon looked at one another in confusion.  
Fujiko was now on her fourth burrito.  
"And you! What?! You don't want me to be within a block of you?!"  
She too was confused, shrugging as she continued eating.  
Lupin stood up and stomped away.  
"Where are you going?" Jigen asked.  
"I'm going to Del Taco so Zenigata can arrest me and get me away from all of you!"  
The three shrugged as Lupin left, all continuing their caffeine, nacho and burrito consumption. 


	3. Chapter 3 : Cat Sitting

**Adventures In Cat Sitting**

By D. Ant

6:42pm  
"Thanks, you guys," Fujiko said in relief. "I really appreciate this. Just remember to feed her and clean her box."  
Jigen and Goemon stood still, staring down at the small black cat as she sat on the floor and licked her paw.  
"I should be back in a few hours." Fujiko gave a small wave and left.  
The cat looked up at the two and meowed.  
Goemon gripped his sword while Jigen reached back and grabbed his gun. They paused at the ready, the cat getting up and walking away.  
The two then relaxed, deciding to take it easy while Fujiko was gone. How hard was it to watch a cat, right? 

7:27pm  
"Jigen?" Goemon came out of the kitchen. "What happened to the food on the stove?"  
"I ate it. It was good, whatever it was."  
"It was cat food."  
Jigen jumped to his feet and ran to the bathroom.

7:35pm  
"Get the hell off my head, damn cat!" Jigen gripped the cat around her waist, trying to lift her off his head as she dug her claws in deeper.

7:47pm  
"Well, you did eat her dinner." Goemon glanced over at an irate Jigen, who sat on the couch, his head and hands in bandages, multiple cuts on his face.  
"Shut up."  
The cat sat on the floor by Jigen's feet, glaring up at him as her tail pounded the floor.

8:16pm  
"I'm not cleaning the damn box!" Jigen hollered to Goemon, who was once again fixing the cats dinner.  
"Fine," Goemon sighed.  
He walked into the room the box was in and immediately held his nose. He was sure Fujiko left it like that just so she wouldn't be the one to have to clean it.  
He grabbed a nearby broom to shove the box towards the trash. The bristles on the broom fell off.

8:20pm  
Jigen was still sitting on the couch watching TV when he heard loud bangs, thumps and crashes coming from down the hall.  
"Need help?" he asked.  
His question was answered by a loud scream.  
"What are you looking at?" he asked the cat, who was still sitting at his feet glaring at him.

8:27pm  
Jigen jumped to his feet, hearing a loud crash and then silence from down the hall. "What the hell?" he wondered as he began to run, tripping over the cat and landing flat on his face.  
The cat meowed and ran off.  
"Damn cat..." He got to his feet and continued on when a banged up Goemon stepped out of the room.  
He was breathing heavily, his face red with anger. He never said a word, just pushed his way passed Jigen.  
Jigen was confused and peeked into the room.  
It was a complete mess, broken glass and other debris covering the floor. Holes filled the walls, a broken water pipe spraying water all over the floor.  
"It's just a cat box," he muttered, then noticing the broken window. "It **was** just a cat box."

8:50pm  
Goemon screamed as he chased the cat around the apartment. A fresh set of claw marks ran across his face. He swung his sword wildly, trying desperately to hit the quick-footed cat.  
"I'd be mad, too, if you threw out my bathroom," Jigen said as he sat and watched TV.  
"Shut up," Goemon muttered as he ran by.

9:03pm  
"You did that on purpose, damn flea-ridden bitch!" Jigen now joined the hunt, firing shots around the apartment as the cat hopped from one object to the next.  
Jigen had been watching TV, getting into a marathon of Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror, when the cat decided to run and jump on the TV, pausing long enough for Goemon to run up and slice it in half.  
"I was enjoying that show!" He fired more shots, hitting a ming vase, the pieces exploding all over the area.  
Goemon hacked apart the couch Jigen had been sitting on.  
The cat meowed, jumping on a bookshelf.  
"Where'd it go?" Jigen asked, losing site of the cat in the mass confusion, bits of stuffing and feathers floating to the floor.  
"There!" Goemon pointed to the bookshelf, the cat hissing and jumping off, once again being chased.

9:24pm  
Fujiko stepped out of the Bentley and headed inside the lobby.  
"Miss Mine," the manager said.  
"Yes?"  
"We have gotten complaints about loud noises coming from your penthouse."  
"What?" She looked worried as she ran towards the elevator, getting in and hitting the button for her floor over and over, as if that would make it go faster.

9:26pm  
She ran out of the elevator and to her door, ready to swipe the keycard when the breeze cause by her movements knocked the door to the ground, where it fell into pieces.  
She stood, shocked by the mess she saw. She was then surprised when her cat ran and jumped into her arms.  
"It went over here!" Jigen yelled, he and Goemon ready to strike as they ran towards the door, stopping quickly as they saw an angry Fujiko.  
"What the **hell** have you done to my place?!"  
The two stood, looking a little stupid as they realized what they had done.  
"She caused it," Goemon said, glaring at the cat, who seemed to be smirking at both of them.  
"She's a cat! What the hell is wrong with you?!"  
"That is not a cat! That is the spawn of Satan!" Jigen glared at the cat as well, emptying his spent bullets on the floor and reloading.  
"Step away from the cat," Goemon said as he prepared to strike.  
"What? Are you- You know what? Just go. Get out. Now!" She stood and pointed out the door.  
"This isn't over," Jigen said as he passed the cat.  
"I will defeat you," Goemon threatened the cat.  
The cat only hissed and struck at them with her paw.  
Fujiko looked around at the mess she faced, reminding herself to **never** ask Jigen and Goemon to handle anything simple ever again.


	4. Chapter 4 : The Kitchen Late At Night

Ooh, two updates in one night. :o Anyway, yeah...just...yeah. xD

Not sure, so just to say this to be safe and stuff, this may be borderline M rated, I guess depending on how people take it or how they view things.

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**Adventures In The Kitchen Late At Night**

By D. Ant

Lupin groaned, his head down as he was leaned over the table. A few grunts escaped his lips and ocassionally he would look up to catch his breath, small drops of sweat rolling down his forehead.  
"Oh, god, Goemon!" he said through his grunts as he looked up, biting his lower lip.  
A small smile of satisfaction came across Goemon's lips.  
Lupin's head fell once again, his back arched upward as he groaned some more.  
"How much longer can you keep it up?" Goemon asked.  
Lupin looked up and glared, his breathing heavy as he was just about worn out.  
"You always have to be so stubborn, don't you?"  
Lupin grunted once more as he threw his head up, his teeth clenched tightly. "Damn it," he said under his breath.  
Goemon scoffed and shook his head.  
"I don't know why you have to put the lid to the pickle jar on so damn tight." He handed the jar to Goemon, who twisted the lid off easily.  
"You're just weak."  
Lupin snatched the jar, stomping back to the kitchen and finishing his late snack. 


	5. Chapter 5 : Rewriting Commercials Part 1

Okay, so the last story, although I still laugh, is borderline disturbing. -gonk- Moving on...

And thanks for the reviews. :3

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**Adventures In Rewriting Commercials Part 1**

By D. Ant

Goemon sat at the kitchen table eating some miso soup. The place was quiet. Jigen was asleep on the couch, Fujiko was out and Lupin was planning for the nights heist. Or so Goemon thought.  
He glanced to the side, Lupin walking up to him.  
"Can I help you enjoy that miso soup?" he asked.  
Goemon was silent, looking up at him as though he were insane.  
Lupin reached off to the side and pulled out a guitar.  
"Happy seaweed floats," he began singing as he strummed the guitar, "over flavor enriched tofu cubes and squishy chunks of potatoes."  
Goemon was confused and a bit frightened at first, but now he was starting to enjoy the song.  
"Prancing mushrooms in the dashi sings a song of satisfaction to the world."  
By the end Goemon had joined in, the song enlightening him so much he automatically knew the words.  
"To the world," he then whispered in wonderment as he stared down at the soup.  
"That's right," Lupin said, strumming the guitar one last time before walking away, leaving Goemon to enjoy miso soup in a whole new way.


	6. Chapter 6 : Drama!

Since I haven't updated this in a while I figured I'd write this. Just something stupid that came to mind while on the long boring drive to Bakersfield. Plus I'm stuck on my serious stories, so I usally fall back to these when that happens**  
**

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**Adventures In Drama!**

By D. Ant

Zenigata sat at his desk, snoring loudly as he slept. His chief looked on with much disappointment.  
"Hey!" he yelled, walking towards the desk. He kicked the back of the chair, Zenigata stirring. "We don't pay you to sleep! Get your ass outside and do your job!"  
Zenigata turned, looking shocked. "I'm doing files, though," he said.  
"Screw the files!" the chief yelled as he tore the papers in half and threw them in Zenigata's face.  
Zenigata snapped, standing and towering over his chief. He lifted him up by his jacket and tossed him on the desk that was in front of his.  
The chief landed with an "oof" and bounced to the floor, where he was quickly bodyslammed by Zenigata.  
The officers stood still and watched, some gasps heard here and there.  
"Don't just stand there!" the chief yelled as he was being spun above Zenigata's head. "Arrest him!"  
The cops swarmed and pounced.

Meanwhile, in a restaurant someplace completely different, Jigen sat across from a woman. He stared with a look of both confusion and disinterest as she dabbed her eyes with her napkin.  
"Do you mind?" he asked.  
She sobbed loudly. "It's like I don't even know you anymore," she wailed.  
"I don't even know you at all."  
"How could you, Charles?!"  
"Who the hell is Charles?"  
She gasped in angry shock, grabbed her glass of water and threw it in his face. Standing, she turned and stomped off, the others sitting quietly staring at Jigen.

"I'm afraid he's found out...about us."  
"Hmm?" Goemon opened his eyes and looked over to the woman sitting next to him in the small sushi place.  
"Last night was very...enjoyable, though." She gave a small shy laugh.  
Goemon looked around the room and then back to her.  
Just then a large muscular man forced his way into the place, standing liking a bull ready to charge as he scanned the room.  
"Oh no! It's him!" She clung onto Goemon.  
Goemon froze, his hands held back as though she were some sort of disease. Although, as far as he knew, she could have been one.  
"You!" the man shouted, pointing at Goemon. He walked over, grabbing the bottle of sake Goemon was working on, smashing it over the table and holding the jagged edges, ready for a fight.  
"My...you...eh...erk..." Goemon stuttered as he stared, livid, at the man. "My sake!" he finally blurted out, unsheathing his sword and standing before the man, who was much bigger than him.

"I'm pregnant," Fujiko said, Lupin's mouth dropping. "Oh, the baby isn't yours."  
"Wh-what?!" Lupin stood, glaring down at her. "You cheating bitch!" He grabbed her arm and pulled her up, getting into her face. "Who's baby is it, huh?! Who have you been screwing behind my back?! Answer me!"  
She sobbed, and was then thrown to the couch. "It's-it's, the baby belongs to Charles..."  
"Who the hell is Charles?!"  
"He's Charles," she said, pointing to Jigen who walked in.  
Lupin screamed and pounced, a violent and drawn out fight taking place between the two.

"How'd you know?!" the woman screamed as she stood behind Goemon.  
"Charles told me everything," the man answered.  
"Charles," Goemon sneered, sheathing his sword and running off.

Lupin held Jigen, bloody and beaten, against the wall. "You think you can get away with screwing my woman?" he asked.  
Just then Goemon stormed in, spotting Lupin and Jigen. "Charles!" he yelled, screaming as he readied his sword and rushed forward.  
Jigen screamed in horror, ducked the first strike and running out the door.  
"Don't let him get away!" Lupin yelled, he, Fujiko and Goemon giving chase.

"I declare you, Charles, guilty of all counts and sentence you to be burned at the stake." The judge banged the gavel, murmuring filling the room.  
"I'm not Charles," Zenigata cried out. "You have the wrong man!"  
"That's what they always say, scumbag." The bailiff grabbed him roughly and kneed him in the groin before dragging him off.

"Have I ever told you kids about the great milk shortage of '68?" An elderly man sat on a milk crate, some kids sitting around him.  
"Move!" Jigen yelled, pushing the old man to the ground as he ran by.  
"Hey!" one kid yelled.  
"That was Charles," another said in amazement.  
"Let's get him!" another yelled, the kids standing and giving chase.  
And so, in a case of mistaken identity, Jigen was finally caught and beaten to death while Zenigata was burned at the stake.

* * *

xD Okay, this was funny in my head. Honest, it was. In fact I was laughing really hard when I first thought of it. Must have been that dirty San Joaquin Valley air... It was also more drama-ee. Something got lost along the way, a thought eater in my elbows or wrists or something. I blame Al Gore:x Actually, the only real thing I thought up was a long thing with Jigen in the restaurant wondering who Charles was and then the thing with Lupin and Fujiko. I just quickly added the others in. They are sad if they are left out.


	7. Chapter 7 : Watching TV

This was written tonight, July 11, somewhere after midnight after staring blankly at my monitor, posting the neutral emote over and over like some effing bot, listening to Super Hero, and being half asleep. Enjoy. :x

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**Adventures in Watching TV**

**By D. Ant**

Lupin was lonely. Lonely and sadly alone. And so, he watched TV.  
"Duke!" Jay Bush yelled.  
"When will that dog ever learn?" Lupin wondered as he turned the channel.  
"Hey there. This is Billy Mayes with the amazing and crazy knife that never dulls! It cuts cars in half with no sharpe-"  
"Goemon, Billy Mayes stole your sword and shrunk it into a knife," he said to no one, but just bored enough to be talking to no one.  
"It's Girls Gone Wild...At Wal-Mart! Watch as these hot chicks do crazy things to normal everyday products!"  
"I am never shopping there again," Lupin said in disgust as something was done to an ear of corn.  
"And finally, a man in Nebraska set his head on fire for no real reason at all," a newswoman said with a smile on her face.  
"And we thank you for watching the eleven o'clock news," the newsman said, an identical smile on his face.  
"What, no pictures?" Lupin asked in disappointment before changing the channel.  
It was then that he saw it. Perhaps the most disturbing thing he had ever seen on TV, which is saying a lot for Lupin.  
The new commercial for Ruby Tuesdays...

"Are you down?" the deep voice over asked as a family sat bored at their booth. "Tired of the same old thing?"  
The family looked at the camera and nodded.  
"Well, it's time for something new!"  
The family looked excited as a man dressed up as a Gyro jumped into view, women dressed in traditional Greek outfits popping up behind the booth.  
The man in the gryo suit then began to sing...

"I'm the one, everybody's waited for."  
"Waited for," the women repeated in the background.  
"Order me, a delicious yummy gryo."  
"Gyro."  
"You need a gyro, something you can really chew."

"Wow, this is really great," the small boy at the table exclaimed as the music played in the background.  
"Mmmhmm," the father agreed as he took a big bite of his gyro.

"I'm a super gyro," the man in costume continued as he danced around.  
"You're a super gyro," the women sang.  
"The gryo at Tuesdays, yeah!"

A chef was then shown as he was in the process of making the gyro. He was all smiles, enjoying his job just a little too much.

The gryo continue singing. "Everyone wishes they could just enjoy me."  
"Enjoy you."  
"Lamb and sauce, tomatoes, in a pita I'm so tasty."  
"Tasty."  
"They need a gyro, something that is just like me."

The family was enjoying their gyros, colored lights flashing on and off overhead as the waiters and waitresses danced in the aisles, others around also rocking out as they ate their gyros.

"I'm a super gryo."  
"You're a super gyro."  
"I'm a super gryo."  
"You're a super gyro."  
"I'm a super gryo."  
"You're a super gyro."  
"The gyro at Tuesdays."  
"Yeah!" everyone yelled in unison as they all froze in their dancing, hands outstretched towards the camera.

Lupin stared blankly at the TV. Without saying a word, he pulled out his gun and shot it, standing up and leaving somewhere to get really drunk, hoping to get what he just saw out of his head forever.

* * *

Meh, it sounds close enough to hero. xD Now to add this and sleep...  



	8. Chapter 8 : Online Gaming

It's kind of like WoW, but completely different. It's more magical and glittery. And violent. Actually I've never played WoW, so I have no idea what I'm talking about. xD It ended weird, but I needed to make it end instead of making this drivel longer than it should be.

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**Adventures In Online Gaming**

**By D. Ant **

"Planet of Phayt?" Jigen looked with uncertainty at the web page.  
Lupin was signing in, ready to play more of the popular online game.  
"You actually play this?" Fujiko asked in disbelief.  
"And 'Fate' is spelled wrong why?" Goemon asked.  
"You guys just don't get it." Lupin was now playing the game, fully concentrating on it as he ran around looking for battles.  
His character was an elf that he had named, in all originality, Lupin. The elf wore a fantasy elfish type outfit of blue, white and gray. He also had long brown hair, which swayed back and forth as he ran. His weapon of choice were two short swords.  
"So, what's the point of this?" Jigen asked as he watched, getting slightly interested as Lupin battled a large sand worm, blood spewing from it each time it was stabbed.  
"You have to stop the evil wizard troll who has stolen all of the Phayts, which are kind of like fairies or something."  
"Why are you an elf?" Fujiko asked with a grin. "Fantasy of yours or something?"  
"Of course," he answered with a grin of his own. "Everyone knows elves are hot."  
"Are all the battles like that?" Jigen was now watching as Lupin ripped an arm off a peasant and started beating him to death with it.  
"Nice, isn't it?"  
"Don't tell me you're interested in this?" Fujiko glanced over at Jigen.  
"You can kill people with their own limbs. Of course I'm interested."  
"It is kind of intriguing," Goemon said, unable to look away from the game.  
Fujiko scoffed and shook her head. "Men," she muttered as she walked away.

That night both Jigen and Goemon were signed up for the game.  
Goemon sat on the floor staring down at the laptop as he created his character.  
Jigen layed on the couch, his laptop resting on his chest as he finished his character, which he named iw1llkeelj00.  
He had selected his character to be an escaped convict, one which wore old ripped clothes, had long black hair, and whose weapon was an old rusty saw.  
"Your name makes me cry," Lupin remarked, glancing over at him from the kitchen table.  
"You ready, yet?" Jigen asked Goemon. "Need help?"  
Goemon didn't answer as he was still picking out his character. "Okay, I'm ready," he finally said.  
"We're in the Mystical Bog," Lupin said, telling him where to meet.  
Goemon directed his character to the area, meeting with the others.  
Jigen and Lupin immediately started to laugh.  
Goemon had picked the Pigmy Fruit Dwarf as his character, the smallest and least used character in the game. Compared to the other characters, the Pigmy Fruit Dwarf was about one fourth their size. The males had short hair and wore poofy pants and a small vest. The females, of which Goemon had picked, had wings, long braided hair and wore a simple dress of bright colors. Their default weapon was usually a porcupine quill or a sling shot or a sharpened twig. Goemon had started off with the porcupine quill.  
"What the hell?" Jigen asked through laughter. "You're joking, right? This is your character?"  
To make matters worse, he had named his character Tina Liahnor.  
Lupin was too busy laughing to say anything, although there was so much he wanted to say.  
"Can we just play the game?" Goemon glanced over at them and then back to the game.  
"Okay, yeah, let's play this." Jigen moved his character around, the others following as they searched the bog for monsters.  
It was no time at all when they ran into a monster, a giant salamander.  
Lupin ran around, stabbing the salamander three times before he was hit and backed away.  
Jigen grabbed the salamanders head and sawed off it's nose.  
In it's anger, the salamander ate Goemon.  
Lupin and Jigen began to laugh once again.  
Goemon closed the laptop and left the room, Jigen and Lupin not noticing until about thirty minutes later, when they both stopped laughing.

Goemon was on a mission and headed for the local internet cafe. He signed on to the game, picking another server and wandering around fighting random monsters. With the coffee continually coming he was able to play for hours on end.  
By the time the sun had come up he had gained 17 levels. Satisfied for the day, he logged out and left.

Lupin and Jigen continued playing during the next week. Although after a short time of playing their main purpose was to become trolls, putting money on how long it would take them to be banned. They would flame random players, pick fights with others just to waste their time, and hack into others accounts just to make their characters "pretty", dressing them in random colorful items and accessories.  
Goemon would always opt out when he was asked to play, saying he had to meditate. His meditating was more like sleeping, as he was awake almost every day playing the online game.  
Tina Liahnor became legend. Even the creators of the game took notice of the Pygmy Fruit Dwarf who would stand down to no enemy, no matter how big it was.  
And by the end of the week Goemon was the only player in the games short history to reach level 99. And his character was the only one who could fight a Towering Dark Demi-God, the hardest monster, aside from the last boss, and defeat it.

"Hey, you want to play, Tina?" Lupin asked with a laugh.  
Goemon stared at him, smiled and nodded.  
"Now make sure you don't step on her, Lupin," Jigen joked. "She is a fragile character."  
They both laughed. Goemon glared. "Where are you and I will meet you there."  
"We're near that big stupid tree," Jigen said, his voice telling Goemon he had already lost interest in the game.  
"Fine." Goemon logged on. His final moment, the event he had been working up to, was about to come. And although it was overkill, he didn't care.  
Lupin and Jigen laughed as Goemon's character appeared. Their laughs faded as Goemon chose to fight them.  
"What are you doing?" Jigen asked.  
"Yeah, Goemon, what is this?"  
"Hey..." Jigen watched as Tina grabbed his character, throwing it to the ground.  
Lupin cast a quick heal spell, just getting it off as his character's leg was ripped off. "What the...? You can't do that. He can't do that, can he?" He looked up at Jigen.  
"He just did," he said as he watched helplessly his character get stabbed in the eye with a porcupine quill. He threw his arms up in defeat as the small fruit pygmy ran through him with Lupin's leg.  
"Okay, fine," Lupin said in anger, getting serious about the fight. He walked his character towards Goemon's, forgetting about the lack of a leg and falling on his face.  
Tina struck the defenseless Lupin, grabbing his head with both hands and pulling it right off, holding it up in victory as the battle ended.  
Lupin stared blankly at the screen, not saying anything.  
Goemon closed the laptop, tossing it on the couch next to Lupin, and left the room. His personal quest fulfilled, he never played Planet of Phayt again. 


	9. Chapter 9 : Being Like Oprah

I don't watch Oprah, I like to rant about crap she says, I've never seen her show ever. I just saw an ad for O magazine and the idea popped into my head. Usually how these stories come to be. Special thanks to the two friends who I stole ideas from, which will be used throughout the series. They are always unnamed and mysterious. Ooh... xD

* * *

**Adventures In Being Like Oprah**

**By D. Ant **

Lupin and Jigen were inside of the National Bank, night vision goggles on as they snuck through the back area. Lupin reached inside his jacket and pulled out an aerosol can, the stuff inside needed to help him spot the highly advanced infrared lasers.  
"Wait a second," Jigen said, stopping Lupin's arm as he lifted it to spray the can. "You shouldn't use that."  
"Why not?" Lupin asked, wondering if he was making some sort of stupid mistake.  
"It's an aerosol. That stuff is bad for the ozone. You can get the same effect with two towels and some ordinary white flour."  
Lupin stared blankly at him. "Really."  
"Yeah, it was on Oprah last week. Don't tell me you missed it."  
"Oprah talks about tips on how to rob banks..."  
"It was a special," Jigen said, looking at Lupin as though he were dumb and clueless. "She doesn't talk about it all the time."  
Lupin stood silent, still staring at Jigen, wondering who he really was.

Zenigata was at his desk, wiping off his tie with a damp towel, having spilled coffee on it moments earlier. No matter how much he scrubbed, the stain remained.  
"What are you using on that?" his chief asked as he walked up from behind. "Is that just plain water?"  
Zenigata looked up and nodded.  
"Ah, Oprah would never use water. She makes this special blend that'll get any stain out."  
"She does?"  
"Yeah, didn't you read it in O Magazine?"  
Zenigata shook his head.  
"Don't tell me you don't read O. This is horrible. I'm buying you a yearly subscription. Everyone here reads O."  
Zenigata watched in confusion as his chief walked off.

Lupin and Jigen returned from the bank, the robbery not happening as Lupin, according to Jigen, wasn't doing it the way Oprah would. And so, after a loud yell of frustration, Lupin gave up, leaving the bank empty handed.  
He then had to hear about how Oprah would have never just walked away from a job.  
"What's his problem?" Fujiko asked as Lupin stormed inside.  
"Do you know that Lupin didn't see that Oprah special last week?"  
Fujiko and Goemon were shocked. They then turned and stared at Lupin in disgust.  
"He was going to use an aerosol can to detect the lasers."  
"Aerosol? But, the ozone!" Fujiko was horrified.  
"What an unforgivable act," Goemon said as he stared at Lupin, who was guzzling down a can of beer.  
Lupin flipped him off and then tossed the empty can on the floor.  
"Oprah always recycles," Goemon said angrily.  
"Yeah, well, you know what I think about Oprah? Huh?"  
"Don't you dare say anything about Oprah, Lupin!" Fujiko stood, ready for a fight.  
Jigen reached back for his gun while Goemon gripped his sword.  
"You're all insane," Lupin growled as he left the apartment.

"Wow!" Zenigata stared at his clean tie. "That Oprah is amazing." He hung the tie up to dry and sat down with his new issue of O Magazine, reading it thoroughly cover to cover.  
One article, called A Trap For Any Occasion, had intricate details on how to build such a trap. Zenigata's eyes got big, his mind racing as he quickly set out to build it.

A couple weeks later...

"Oprah would never use regular cleaner to clean a gun," Jigen said as he saw Lupin sitting down cleaning all the parts to his disassembled Walther. "Here, use this." Jigen pulled a small clear bottle out of his jacket pocket, an orangish liquid inside the bottle.  
Lupin glanced up at the bottle, ignoring it and going back to cleaning.  
"All right, but don't blame me when your gun explodes or something."  
"Jigen, when has my gun ever exploded?"  
"You never know."  
"Are you two ready?" Goemon asked, he and Fujiko standing with bags of equipment.  
Lupin quickly assembled his gun and placed the clip back in, holstering it and walking to the door.  
The others looked at one another, shrugging and following him out.  
They arrived at the museum shortly after, getting all the gear ready for the heist. Not wanting to hear about Oprah, Lupin let them do the job, opting to instead wander around.  
"Hmm? What's that?" Lupin wondered, strolling over to the odd chair like structure in the middle of one of the exhibit rooms.  
"Lupin!" Jigen hollered, as the three were ready to leave.  
Lupin looked back as they entered the room.  
"You ready?" Fujiko asked.  
"Yeah, sure." Lupin started to walk away when a noise from above made him look up. At that time the floor rumbled, four sides of a cage shooting up all around him, the roof falling from the ceiling and latching into place, trapping Lupin inside.  
Laughing was then heard as Zenigata walked into view.  
"Wow," Jigen said as he stared at the trap. "Is that the Trap For Any Occasion?"  
"Mmhmm," Zenigata said with a proud smile and nod.  
"That's...amazing." Goemon walked closer to inspect it.  
"I never knew you read O," Fujiko said flirtatiously as she got closer to Zenigata.  
"Oh my god," Lupin whimpered in frustration, falling to his knees and holding his head.

Lupin, Jigen, Goemon and Fujiko all sat in separate cells, special orders from the higher ups to keep them from doing something to escape, although Jigen, Goemon and Fujiko assured that they wouldn't escape, as it was something Oprah wouldn't do. Lupin was the only one who seemed visibly angry, the others taking it easy and relaxing in their cells.  
Lupin groaned as Zenigata walked in, most likely to gloat about catching them. He had already heard enough about the amazement of Oprah's trap from the others.  
"Hey," Jigen said to the man in the cell across from him. "Is that A Million Little Pieces?" he asked of the book the man was reading.  
The man nodded.  
"You'll enjoy it," Fujiko said. "It's very good."  
"I just started reading that," Zenigata said. "I heard about it in O."  
"You'll be amazed at the ending. It was very unexpected," Goemon informed.  
"Wasn't that the one written by the guy Oprah shafted?" Lupin asked.  
The room was dead silent for a few seconds. "I think we need to straighten him out," Zenigata said in an angry tone.  
The others agreed, making Lupin very nervous as to what they had in mind and why he deserved whatever treatment he was going to get.


	10. Chapter 10 : Being On Oprah

I made the book up. And I don't know what Oprah would say, so I made that up as well. Psh, Oprah... xD**  
**

* * *

**  
**

**Adventures In Being On Oprah**

**By D. Ant **

The audiences applause was fading, Oprah sitting straight and tall in the comfy chair she sat in. She smiled towards the camera and began her dialogue once the studio was quiet. "Welcome back. Now, I want you to remember back to last months book, A Secret Place."  
The audience murmured and nodded, as they had all enjoyed the book and were even given free copies of it during the taping of that specific show.  
"Well, today we have our very own version of Gerald Mahony, the troubled young man who ignored his friends as they tried to help him during those years of drug and alcohol abuse. Please welcome Arsene Lupin the Third."  
The audience applauded as Lupin walked in, plopping himself in the couch next to Oprah's chair and crossing his arms over his chest.  
"So, now Arsene..."  
"Oh, please Oprah, call me The, since everybody calls me that." He rolled his eyes and then glared at her.  
The audience frowned in disapproval.  
Oprah wasn't pleased, either, but continued with her interview. "Now now, there's no need to be rude. I was just trying to be polite and formal. So, Lupin, let's talk about-"  
"First of all, Oprah." He said her name in a very condescending manner. "I am nothing like this Gerald Mahony you so wish to compare me with. I don't have a drug and alcohol problem. And if you wanted to talk about someone who does then maybe you should have brought out Jigen. I'm sure he could tell you all about being high and going into drunk rages."  
Oprah frowned. "And this is exactly what I wanted to discuss with you."  
"Oh really. Well, Oprah, do go on. What sort of insight do you have for me."  
"Well, why don't we have one of your friends tell about it."  
Lupin looked behind him as Fujiko walked in. She sat next to him, not looking too pleased.  
"Welcome, Fujiko Mine," Oprah said, looking to the crowd with a smile as they applauded her entrance.  
"Thank you, Oprah. First off, let me apologize for Lupin's behavior. I don't know why he's been acting like this."  
"There is no need for you to blame yourself for his behavior, Fujiko. Lupin? Is there anything you'd like to say to her?"  
Lupin laughed. "Only an amoeba would know why I'm behaving like this, Fujiko."  
The crowd began to boo.  
"Oh, shut up!" he yelled at them. "What is wrong with you people?! Is this all you have in life? To be in the audience for Oprah, of all people?!"  
"Lupin, Lupin, please," Oprah said forcefully. "There is no need for that sort of conversation."  
"Well, they are pathetic," Lupin mumbled, getting smacked on the upper arm by Fujiko. "What?" He looked over as she glared at him.  
"All right, Fujiko, why don't you tell us what happened." Oprah placed her hand on Fujiko's arm in a comforting gesture.  
"Well, Oprah, we, that is Jigen, Goemon and I, had all seen your special on how criminals could help save the environment, which we all thought was wonderful, by the way."  
"Oh, well thank you. I'm so glad I could reach out to you and help change the way you do things."  
"Well, after seeing the special, we all tried to hand these tips off to Lupin, who hadn't seen it. And he just changed after that. And I don't understand why."  
"Lupin? Do you want to explain?"  
"First off, Oprah, criminals only care about their job and getting it done. True criminals, anyway." He shot a glare at Fujiko. "Saving the environment is one of the last things on our minds."  
"And why is that?" Oprah asked curiously.  
Lupin was caught off-guard by the question. "Well...because we care about money and valuable things."  
"What good is money on a dying planet?"  
The crowd murmured and nodded.  
Lupin laughed. "Wow, that was deep. I really don't think they got it, though," he said, referring to the audeince. "Besides, you have money. What do you do to make yourself feel less guilty about killing the planet, hmm?"  
The audience booed.  
Lupin grinned and flipped them off.  
"This isn't about me, Lupin. This is about you. And stop being rude to the audience!"  
"You give cars away to people, Oprah. On a whim! I can't afford to do that. Which means, Oprah, that you're richer than me! So maybe I should be asking the question."  
The audience murmured in confusion.  
Oprah was worried, seeing she was losing her fans. "Uh, we'll be right back after these commercials," she said hurridly with a large fake smile.  
The cameramen glanced at one another and shrugged.  
The shows director groaned.  
During the break, Oprah and Lupin got into a yelling match. Jigen, Goemon and Zenigata came from backstage to break it up. Fujiko stood by the side, watching in anger.  
After everything had quieted down, Oprah wandered over to Zenigata. "Inspector Zenigata, right?"  
"Hello Oprah," he said excitedly. "It's such an honor to meet you. I'm a big fan."  
"Ah, well, I'm pleased to hear that," she said as she shook his hand. "And let me say that I was honored to know that you used my trap to catch Lupin."  
"It was a very ingenious design."  
"Say, Inspector, have you ever been to a day spa?"  
"Uh, no, I haven't."  
"Well, you're in for a treat because I'm taking you to mine. We can spend the whole day together."  
"Wow, Oprah. I don't know what to say. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me." A tear of joy formed in the corner of his eye, which he quickly wiped away.  
"That's it!" Lupin growled as he pulled out his gun and pointed it at Oprah, Zenigata quickly stepping in front of her.  
"Put the gun down, Lupin!" he ordered.  
"How the hell'd he get a gun in the studio?!" Oprah screamed. "Someone is going to get their ass fired!"  
The security guards looked worried as they closed in.  
"I'm a thief, Oprah! I think I know how to get past security!"  
"What do you want?!" she yelled at him, her anger rising to new heights.  
Fujiko, Jigen and Goemon were suddenly afraid of the new more angry Oprah. Most of the audience was as well. Zenigata became more of a fan.  
"It's you!" Lupin yelled. "You are my problem! You changed my friends and turned them against me! And now I'll show you how I take care of my problems!"  
The audience gasped, some members already recording the events on the cellphones.  
"Stop this now, Lupin!" Zenigata growled.  
"Don't think I won't shoot you to get to her..."  
Usually Lupin wouldn't shoot him, but Zenigata was more worried now, as Lupin had turned insane.  
Lupin hesitated, dropping the gun a few inches before lifting it back up and firing. He looked shocked, the pain finally hitting him as he screamed out. Instead of firing, his gun exploded in his hand.  
"Told you," Jigen said.  
"Using ordinary gun cleaner, I see," Oprah said in a cocky manner before laughing.  
"I will destroy you!" Lupin yelled before being tackled by security.

* * *

I really don't know how that trap was ingenious, but hey, Zenigata's too far down the road of Oprah fandom to think straight. xD And sorry for the somewhat crappiness of the chapter. I was trying to get a lot in and not make it too long. 


	11. Chapter 11 : Parodies

**Adventures In Parodies of Crap That Bugs Me**

**By D. Ant **

**Cutting**

Lupin leaned over the sink, tears streaming down his face. The pain was visible. He couldn't take it anymore.  
"I can't take this anymore," he said through the hurt. "It's just so hard."  
In his hand was a small knife. He stared down at it. He wanted to use it, he really did. He wanted to use it and make himself somehow feel better. But the tears kept him from focusing.  
"I have to do this," he muttered to himself, shutting his eyes tightly as he gripped the knife and brought it down.  
"Just cut the damn onion already!" Jigen screamed from the other room.  
"Hmm, that was predictable," Goemon said in great disinterest, going back to meditating. 

**Teh Angst**

Goemon stared down. Why was the world so cruel? Why must every bad thing happen to him?  
Life was never easy, always a challenge, but he rose up to face down those challenges. He rose up to be what he was today. So why did nothing seem to come out right for him?  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Fujiko asked, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
He shook his head, too choked up to speak, to proud to start crying in front of the others.  
She nodded in understanding and backed away.  
He needed time to be alone, to think things over, to over-analyze everything in his life.  
He walked over to the ledge they conveniently happened to be near, staring out at the scenery layed out before him.  
"Why must life be so cruel?" he asked himself, his voice breaking. "What have I done to deserve this? What? I need to know." He seemed to be calling out for someone to answer, yet nothing came.  
"Life doesn't seem worth it anymore." He stared down at the bottom of the valley.  
What would his friends think of him? Would they still admire him? Would they forget about him? Would they laugh at the thought of him giving up? He didn't care. Nothing mattered. Not his friends, not his life, nothing.  
"Everyone just used me. Nobody cares. Why should I care?" He began to cry as memories seemed to erase from his mind. Memories that he once charished, now gone.  
"Hey."  
The voice was familiar, the one of his good friend, someone he could trust with his life, but for some reason he couldn't face at the moment.  
"Go away," Goemon said. "I don't want you seeing me like this."  
"Yeah, it is pretty pathetic," Jigen answered with a straight face. "You know, it was just tofu. And there's a market down the street, so we can get some more."  
Goemon looked back, the others standing around a turned over pan, slices of half cooked tofu laying on the dirt. A smile came to his face as he stared at Jigen. He nodded, life once again having meaning.  
He rejoined the others, all heading off to the market, life once again back to normal.

**Mary Sue**

A knock came on the door. Jigen answered. "Who are you?"  
A young girl, perfect in every way possible, stood staring up at him. "I'm Goemon's sister."  
"I didn't know he had one."  
"Well, he does now. And she's, I mean, I'm so totally in love with Lupin because he's my favorite character, I mean, person."  
Jigen stared blankly at the girl. "Go away," he said, slamming the door in her face.

**Songfics**

_Is there anybody out there?_

"Hello?" Lupin called out in the dark. He was in the woods and found himself lost.

_Is there anybody out there?_

"Hello?" he called out again. Still no answer.  
A sound in the distance made him worry. What was it? A bear? A mountain lion? A rabid squirrel? A homicidal maniac on the loose from the local barber shop?

_Is there anybody out there?_

He didn't want to know anymore. Fear gripped him. The thoughts of giant axe wielding psychotic lumberjacks filled his mind.  
Suddenly, from behind, the breaking of a twig, the dragging of a dead body, the heavy breathing of a ten foot tall mutant badger!  
Lupin screamed and ran off into the darkness.  
"What was that about?" Jigen looked over at Goemon, both with confused looks on their faces. They shrugged it off and continued following Lupin. 

_Is there anybody out there_

* * *

Well, that was a lot of fun and we all had a jolly good laugh. :3 I wrote these out of boredom and I actually laughed upon re-reading them. I used "upon". I suddenly feel all literary upper class, doncha know old chap. The perfect ending for the angst one was them going arm in arm, skipping down the road to the market all happy like. xD But I left it out. But then added it here. Yaoi is also something else that bugs me, but I've already done parodies of those. Yeah...only added this since I don't have the first Dr. Phil one done and missed the update last week. 


	12. Chapter 12 : Nonsense

I read some story and it was very literary and such, so me being me, I thought "I should write a story like that, but make it over something stupid." And so, this story was born, unfortunately. xD It's sole purpose is to make people laugh, either at the story or at me. I'm sure I got some of the comparisons wrong, but I don't really care. One of these days, the Dr. Phil series will be continued. Too much thought over a dumb little story... xP

* * *

**Adventures in Nonsense**

**By D. Ant  
**

It was a cold and frigid day, the kind of bone chilling atmosphere that kept the bums off the streets, even as the sun hid not twixt the clouds.  
The three ran, silent, the streets as dark as the night sky. As usual, they treated this job with equanimity, like a ninja gliding through a temples corridors.  
And just as the ninja sought his prey, the three searched out theirs. Puddles splashed with little noise, as if in a vortex, sound not present.  
Lupin eyed the target, sitting like a hulking giant in front of him, it's menacing shadow casting down on the wet asphalt, the slight smell of tar and oil seeping up into the air like a fog.  
Lupin said nothing, only giving knowing glances at the two who stood at his side, both stoic and rigid, their bodies pushing aside the cold as if it were an imaginary being, non-existent.  
And so, the three walked forward, towards the maw of the beast, their faces looking as though this was their final battle, as if they walked towards fate.  
The door opened, a small bell ringing out from above like the hypnotic crooning of a celestial being. A sign, though no one wanted to take notice, their expressions unchanged.  
The man stood, awaiting their arrival. He was patient, his suit showing signs of his past dealings. He smiled, though the three knew he was a force to be reckoned with, various knives and jars with mysterious liquids layed out in front of him.  
"What can I do for you, gentlemen?" the man stated in a calm manner, standing tall and unnerved by their appearance.  
"I'll have the combo," Lupin said, his tone unchanged as he stared the man down, watching carefully as the bread was pulled out of the oven, the sharp knife slicing through it like a scalpel slicing down a victims torso.  
Silence filled the square room, the atmosphere thickened like Aunt Joanna's famous country white gravy.  
"Mustard and mayonnaise?"  
Lupin squinted one eye. He knew the man was testing him, seeing just how far he could push him. And, like a broken down '63 Chevy in the middle of a ferocious snowstorm, Lupin didn't budge.  
"Mustard," he stated, giving up a little just to see what creation the man could call forth, but not giving enough for this creation to breath life.  
The man nodded, spreading mustard like an artist streaking a fine thick line of goldenrod onto the white textured canvas. And then, like a master architect, he began to build upon the canvas, towering layer after layer of the finest, most durable materials, a site only one of his prestige could look proudly on.  
And like Goliath falling to the ground at the feet of David, the top piece of bread was layed on top of the juggernaut that was the combo subway.  
Lupin watched with baited breath as the man wrapped the sandwich up as if it were some secret not to be seen by anyone on the outside. Together with white crisp napkins, it was placed in a clear plastic bag. It was a masterpiece all of it's own, something to raise up high and be proud of, like a warrior leading his army to the capitol of the country they had just conquered and lifting up the golden crown to proclaim himself king. Victory was to be had.  
"That'll be $11.63." The man beamed, his smile glowing, throwing out something in the way of complete conquest. He was witty, this Lupin knew, but just as the fox gets caught in the chicken coop, his wily demeanor wouldn't last.  
Lupin handed him a $20 bill, but the man's smile didn't fade. What was he up to? What complex creations had he conceived before their arrival? Was this all just a trap?  
Lupin took his subway and stepped back, watching closely as Jigen, and then Goemon, ordered their flavorful comestibles.  
The man was unchanged, going through the same routine, like some sort of android.  
An android! Lupin's eyes got big, the realization so great, like a herd of elephants bowling him over. This man, this demi-god of the sandwich world, was in fact an android.  
Jigen took his subway and stepped aside, Goemon walking up and ordering his, his voice monotone and hypnotic.  
The android was forcing him to order a subway! Lupin, his cat like reflexes coming forth, leapt forward, a lion tackling his prey on the plains of the Serengeti.  
Outside, the wind howled like a lonely soul calling out for someone to talk to, but getting nothing for it's selfish effort. Thunder boomed, as if laughing, mocking the wind, lightening striking a nearby tree, the flames shining forth like a torch high on Olympus.  
The man was subdued in an extreme tactical maneuver, Goemon shaken from his thoughts, seeing before him bits of condiments and toppings spread forth like dead soldiers on a battlefield.  
The warrior, his troops ambushed, fighting for their livelihoods as in the distance, the beckoning of the celestial soul, calling the warrior from on high, it's voice singing like a whole chorus in a crescendo.  
"Lupin!"  
Lupin froze. That was not the voice of his angel, not the warm and comforting calls he was expecting during his final moments on terra firma.  
A cold, steel ring, clasped tightly on his wrist, holding him down, punished by the law as Andromeda was punished by the great menaceful Zeus.  
But unlike Zeus, Zenigata was not a powerful god, although he had the strength of ten tigers, moved like the northeastern winds over the mighty oceans, and had a bellowing call that could awaken the dead.  
The android would have to be put on hold, saved for another time, another moment. For this moment was meant to be of escape, fleeing into the dark ebony surroundings like shadows fading into other shadows as the mighty apprehender of the law left in haste, the hunter become the hunted as an owl hooted off in the distance.

* * *

I just noticed it varies between day and night. xD Oops... 


	13. Chapter 13 : Ending It All

No, this isn't the end of the Adventures In... series. Just another idea that popped in my head. :3**  
**

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**Adventures In Ending It All**

**By D. Ant**

Zenigata woke up, grumbling to himself as he shut off the alarm. He sat on the pallet that was his bed, rubbing his face as he tried to keep his eyes open.  
Finally he stood, thinking he needed coffee or tea or beer or anything to wake him up. Sadly, he had none of those items. His fridge was empty and his next paycheck was still four days away.  
He wasn't quite sure how he got involved in the mess he was stuck in. When it came to his determination, he blamed his father. When it came to his misery, he blamed Lupin. He was sure there was someone to blame for the mess, but too much had happened during his hunt for Fujiko that took him from Tokyo to New York. And much of it was now just a blank.  
He wandered to the window, leaning on the sill as he stared out, watching as parents took their kids to school, husbands kissing their wives before heading out to a long day of work, some of them looking happy to be going to their jobs.  
He sighed. That could have been him. He could have a loving family and be happy. He glanced back at the photo sitting on the bookshelf of him, his wife and his daughter.  
In the photo they were all happy, but that was taken twelve years ago. Now things were different. His wife had left him three years after the picture was taken. He hadn't seen neither in seven. The last time he spoke with his daughter was five years ago.  
He shuffled off to the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He came to hate the man who stared back at him. The man who ruined everything he had going. Yet, he didn't blame the man. He only blamed the man's weakness, which was the cause of many others in his life.  
He looked away, down at the straight edged razor laying near the sink. It was sharp and shiny, looking brand new, it's ivory handle showing none of the wear that almost sixty years of use should have put on it.  
The razor was one of the last things he had left to remember his father by. In fact, it was the last thing his father gave him before he committed suicide.  
It wasn't a big surprise to the family. He knew it, his brother knew it, his mother knew it. It was everyone else who treated it as a murder. The police didn't want to believe that the great Detective Zenigata would take his own life, so it must have been some petty criminal who did it. In the end, they never caught anyone, the case going unsolved.  
He was weak, like his father. But, maybe it was for the best. "Maybe..." he mumbled, looking up as the man looking back at him seemed filled with sorrow. "It could be worse, I guess..."  
He glanced down at the razor. It looked so innocent, laying there as it waited for someone to put it to use. Waited for him to put it to use.  
He turned on the faucet, splashing some warm water on his face, trying to get the thoughts to disappear, but as soon as he saw the razor, they all came back.  
His arm slowly reached forward, taking the cold ivory handle in his hand, gripping it tightly as his eyes gazed at it.  
"Could be worse..." he muttered in an almost whisper as he stared down at the sharp, glistening metal.  
He knew he had little time, something that didn't matter anymore in his life, but was still important to others. He doubted he would see his daughter anytime soon and he knew thinking about it was just a waste. A waste of time in his already wasted life. A life that no one should have to live.  
And so, with all these thoughts still nagging at his mind, he brought the razor to his skin...and started shaving. He was going to be late for work once again.

* * *

So, this format is getting old and predictible, most likely to those who know me, but it's still fun. xD In my mind there was a lot more about the razor, but I didn't want to make it too dumb. And somewhere in there he puts shaving cream on his face. I tried to add that to the end, but it didn't have the same effect.

I still don't get cutting stories. What. Did all the characters suddenly get the souls of angsty emo goth teen losers? Seriously. I mean, the characters being on Oprah is more believable than them cutting themselves or wanting to make out and butt rape one another. (That sentence made me laugh really hard for some reason. xD)

There should be a story where Jigen sees that every woman he falls in love with dies and takes it as some curse, becomes gay, changes his name to Manuel Fuego, and moves to south Florida where he frequents public restrooms instead of bars. And he belts out his rendition of Super Hero, Héroe Estupendo. Oh yeah. Best. Story. Ever.


	14. Chapter 14 : Another Nightmare

I was stuck for so long on this story that it made me sad. And so I decided I would finish it today and the words seemed to flow and it seemed really funny. And Ranolo was a name a friend made up and it was such an odd name that I knew I had to use it, so I asked and got permission. No stealy! Rawr!

* * *

**Adventures In Another Nightmare**

**By D. Ant **

"Let me out of here!" Lupin's screaming echoed down the halls of the insane asylum. "I swear I will kill the person who put me here!"  
Two doctors passing by laughed. They muttered things to themselves as they passed the head doctors office, a meeting taking place inside.  
"Your friend is in serious need of help," the head doctor said to Jigen, Goemon, Fujiko and Zenigata, who all stood in front of his desk.  
"But if Oprah couldn't help him, then who?" Fujiko asked.  
"I know just the person." The doctor smirked evilly. 

"Hello and welcome," Dr. Phil said in his southern drawl. "Have we got a great show for you today. Now, you may have heard of the events that unfolded on Oprah last week. Well, we got the call to help this man, Lupin the Third, and so today I am going to do just that."  
The audience applauded, some hoping for an exciting show down like was had on Oprah.  
"But, before we get to our main guest, I want to bring out someone who has had a very heart wrenching experience. Please welcome, all the way from Paris, France, Lupin's cousin Ranolo."  
The audience applauded as a tall thin man came out. He was looking very French with his little moustache, black and white striped shirt, black pants, black dress shoes and black beret.  
"Welcome to the show, Ranolo." Dr. Phil motioned him to a chair.  
"Thank you, Monsior Phillipe," Ranolo said in a thick French accent.  
"You can just call me Dr. Phil."  
"Ah. Oui Dr. Phil, my apologies."  
"That's quite all right." Dr. Phil shifted in his chair to get comfortable. "Now, why don't you start off by telling us the reason you are here."  
"I wish to help my cousin, Dr. Phil. You see, Lupin is the product of a very warped mind. He is not as sane as he acts. In fact, sometimes he is completely psychotic."  
"Could you explain one of these times?"  
"Oui. Two years ago, I traveled to Tokyo to see him after many years of not talking. I wanted to see how he was, patch things up between us. Things were good, but then while we were eating I reached for the last piece of bread and he grabbed my hand and squeezed really hard, saying that if I took the bread he'd torture me, kill me, hack off my limbs and throw everything into a meat grinder. I was very frightened, so I let him have the bread. Afterwards, he was fine."  
"Do you think he was serious about killing you?"  
Ranolo shrugged. "I can only guess that he really wanted that bread."  
"I see. But a piece of bread isn't something to kill someone over. I mean, he could just go ahead and ask the waiter for more."  
"But, you don't really know this man. He is crazy! There was that time, when we were kids, at the zoo. The things he talked about doing to the animals...oh, it was disturbing." Ranolo waved his hands in front of him, unable to go on.  
Dr. Phil comforted him by giving a sympathetic look and nodding his head slowly. "There there. Everything will be okay. You don't need to worry about your evil cousin Lupin. Well, until after today. Let's bring him out!"  
The audience clapped. Ranolo was terrified. Dr. Phil stood and clapped, a huge smile on his face. Lupin walked out calmly, an unsettling grin on his face as he approached Ranolo, who was now cowering in his chair.  
"You lied!" Ranolo shrieked at Dr. Phil. "You are evil man!"  
"Yes, he is a very evil man, dear cousin," Lupin said calmly, the grin still on his face. "And do you know what I do to evil men?"  
Ranolo shook his head as his body now shook in fear.  
"Well, let me show you." Lupin grabbed the chair beside him and flung it at Dr. Phil.  
Dr. Phil sensed the chair was coming and jumped ten feet straight in the air, the chair flying under him and colliding with a rabid Dr. Phil and Oprah fan in the audience.  
Lupin stood in shock. He knew Dr. Phil was evil, but he didn't know he was that evil.  
Dr. Phil stood, facing down Lupin. He brought his hand across his body and quickly pulled it back, ripping off his suit to reveal his hidden ninja outfit. He then did some evil ninja pose.  
"I should have known," Lupin said. "Only one as evil as you could be in the Super Secret Underground Ninja Clan."  
"I was trained by the best." Ninja Phil took a step back.  
From above came a crashing noise, bits of concrete and wallboard flying everywhere as a cloud of dust hid Ninja Phil from site. When the dust settled, Lupin became a little frightened.  
Ninja Phil was now kneeled and Ninja Master Oprah stood in front of him, her arms folded over her chest.  
"How could this be?" Lupin muttered to himself. "They're only no-talent talk show hosts who don't know anything..."  
"I'll leave this to you, Phil," Oprah said as she glared at Lupin. "Make your master proud."  
"Yes, master Oprah. I shall." Ninja Phil stepped forward, yelling out as he got in an evil ninja stance.


	15. Chapter 15 : Being The Hunted

This came from watching this years special and also remembering how the same thing occured in Operation: Return the Treasure. It just really bugged me for some reason. What bugged me? Read and find out. :3

And I want to thank Felyne for saying this should be an Adventures in... story. And also Intoxicated Gnu for coming up with Zenigata's odd role in this. Thanks, guys. :D

Oh yeah, and dress only because I forgot the true name. xD

* * *

**Adventures In Being The Hunted**

By D. Ant

There were times when they were friends. Sitting together, laughing at the dumbest things, sharing food and wine and anecdotes.  
There were times when they were enemies. Fighting, yelling, making hollow threats that they all knew would never come to be.  
And then there were the few times they turned on each other, not really caring if the others died by their hands, only caring about their own selfish deeds.  
And this deed was a very selfish one. For on that cold winter day, Lupin, Fujiko, Jigen and even Zenigata were all after one thing: Goemon's magic pants.

What made them so magical, you may ask? There were, on seldom occasions, times when they would change second to second. Pants, dress, pants, dress. No one really knew why or how this happened, but they all got a crazy idea in their heads that they held some sort of magical power.  
They wanted that power, no matter the cost...

Goemon ran into the old abandoned farmhouse, slamming the door and bracing it shut with a piece of wood. He leaned against it, breathing heavy.  
"He's in here!" a voice yelled, followed by other voices all talking at once.  
Goemon moved towards the window, peeking out the dirty and clouded glass.  
The glass shattered, Goemon holding his blade up just in time to stop the bullet fired by a gun. Jigen's gun.  
Working fast, he pushed a bookcase in front of the window. He then did the same for the other windows.  
The bookcases rattled as the windows were beaten on. Goemon stepped back in the corner in front of the stairs, standing with his sword at the ready.  
And then, everything stopped, the cabin becoming quiet.

"Come back!" Zenigata ordered the cops that were smashing on the windows with batons and fists. He stood away from the cabin, Lupin, Jigen and Fujiko standing by his side.  
"It won't help to rush in," Lupin said. "With his skills, he'd just slaughter all of us."  
"Hmm...yeah," Zenigata said as he thought.  
"Are you sure he doesn't have any kind of weakness?" Fujiko asked.  
"Actually, now that you mention it..." Jigen grinned evilly.

Goemon made his way up the stairs, peeking out of a window, everyone standing far from the cabin now, near the bridge that led to the clearing it was in.  
He watched closely with a suspicious eye. It was then when he looked shocked.  
"No..." He stumbled back, running into the table as the window smashed, a ladder now leaned against the sill.  
The windows around him smashed as well, glass spraying all around his feet.  
"No...no!" He let out a scream, running to the windows and pushing the ladders back, small cries echoing out as the ladders fell to the ground.  
"How could they be so evil?" he wondered.

"Brilliant," Lupin said as he watched the midget mimes lean the ladders up again. "We'll have his pants in no time..." He laughed evilly.  
"All right men," Zenigata said, walking out in a Chester Cheetah costume. He turned, looking proudly on his army of officers, all dressed up as giant Cheetos. He glanced back at the cabin, raising his hand.  
The officers scowled, all of them reared up for the seige.  
"Charge!!" Zenigata yelled, lowering his arm, the officers running past him.

Goemon began to twitch as the army of Cheetos got closer.

The officers barged in, knocking and splintering the bookshelves as if they were nothing. Climbing in through the windows, they started up the stairs.  
"Gah!!!" Goemon screamed as he began to attack the midget mimes that surrounded him, some jumping onto his back and clinging to his legs.  
The appearance of the Cheetos rendered Goemon defenseless. Too petrified to move, he was quickly overtaken by both midget mimes and giant Cheetos.

When it was all over, Goemon was left on the floor, pantless and twitching madly as he curled into a fetal position and stared off blankly, mumbling to himself.  
Zenigata, Lupin, Jigen and Fujiko had their prize, but were soon disappointed when they found them to be just ordinary pants.  
"And to think we forever broke Goemon for nothing," Lupin said with a sigh of disappointment. He then tossed the pants behind him as the four walked away. 


	16. intermission

So, I was reading these Conan fanfics with friends and this one had all this random Japanese in it, which really p'd me o...yo...-ahem- Anyway, we all collaberated on this idea. Enjoy. ;D

Oh, I used Babel Fish for the translations, so if you know these languages, blame them for the bad translations. :x

And just pretend Goemon is speaking Japanese. :x -stabs stuff-

Three updates in a day, the world is going to exploooooooooooode!!! i r ned fud!1eleven I miss hearing about the house on the side of the freeway...

* * *

**Adventures in Lost In Translation**

By D. Ant

"Vous savez," Lupin said. "Le papa de Ken était trop dur sur lui."  
"Ik dacht niet zo," Fujiko stated. "Brat kreeg wat hij verdiende."  
"Così, non era un playwright," Jigen said with a shrug. "Quello è motivo per tutto il dramma."  
"Que se você for o pai, Jigen?" Goemon glance at him. "E você teve que voar em torno do mundo, dá entrevistas de televisão e vem então ter que para casa somente escrever algum certificado bizarre?"  
"Forse..." he said.  
"Al zoon moest doen was mijnsteenkool met zijn buitensporige boren," Fujiko said, sickened by the character of Ken. "Maar zijn slechte vader..."  
"Oui," Lupin sympathized. "La souffrance des auteurs restreignent tandis que son fils d'ingrate se tient autour du forage!"  
"E então seu filho que fala abaixo sobre a cultura!" Goemon gritted his teeth in anger.  
"Accosento, benchè, che farebbe un gioco grande."  
The three nodded in agreement with Jigen.  
"Stupido laborors..." Jigen muttered.

* * *

**Original version... **

"You know," Lupin said. "Ken's dad was too hard on him."  
"I didn't think so," Fujiko stated. "The brat got what he deserved."  
"So, he wasn't a playwrite," Jigen said with a shrug. "That's no reason for all the drama."  
"What if you were the father, Jigen?" Goemon glance at him. "And you had to fly around the world, give television interviews and then come home only to have to write some bizarre script?"  
"Maybe..." he said.  
"All the son had to do was mine coal with his fancy drills," Fujiko said, sickened by the character of Ken. "But his poor father..."  
"Yes," Lupin sympathized. "Suffering from writers cramp while his ingrate son stands around drilling!"  
"And then his son talking down about culture!" Goemon gritted his teeth in anger.  
"I do agree, though, that it would make a great play."  
The three nodded in agreement with Jigen.  
"Stupid laborors..." Jigen muttered. 


	17. Chapter 17 : Random Songfics 1

My randomizer picked a whole bunch of songs, but they were all from animes and videogames. It then finally picked Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) by Vertical Horizon. -gonk- How am I supposed to make this cheesy? Oh well...I shall try. Oh, and how I accomplished that. xD

* * *

**Adventures in Random Songfics 1**

by D. Ant

Goemon ran down the boardwalk, pushing his way past people, some of who had rude comments to make in return. He heard none of those, though, his mind too focused on getting to his destination.

A loud bellowing sound made him stop, looking up with sad eyes as the large boat began to creep away from the harbor. He took a few steps forward, failure creeping over him as he leaned on the wooden railing, waves crashing against the rocks below him.

_So you sailed away_

_Into a grey sky morning_

He stared at the ship, his eyes settling on a young woman in a red kimono standing at the rail, her eyes seemingly set on his.

The woman then turned, walking away and disappearing into the crowd.

Goemon bowed his head, the pain of rejection strong in him.

_Now I'm here to stay_

_Love can be so boring_

"Why?" he asked himself. "Why did you leave me, Kikiyo?"

He looked up, tear filled eyes staring at the ship as it became smaller and smaller. "Kikiyo..."

_Nothing's quite the same now_

_I just say your name now_

Goemon walked, his feet dragging the pavement as he made his way back to Lupin's hideout.

The place hadn't changed since he left that morning. Jigen was still asleep on the couch, the empty bottle of scotch remaining overturned on the floor by his hand, which draped down onto the carpet. And Lupin was still arguing with Fujiko over what percentage the profits from last night would be divided into.

Goemon sighed deeply, walking sluggishly out to the balcony, where he sat and tried to meditate.

_But it's not so bad_

_You're only the best I ever had_

_You don't want me back_

_You're just the best I ever had_

Images of he and Kikiyo ran through his mind, no matter how hard he tried to push them out.

Their first meeting at the cherry blossom festival, their first dinner, their first kiss...

Goemon closed his eyes tighter, trying more desperately to think of something else. It was no us, though. None of his training prepared him for this.

"It all seems so...useless," he muttered in anger, standing and walking inside.

_So you stole my world_

_Now I'm just a phony_

_Remembering the girl_

_Leaves me down and lonely_

He sat down, grabbing the pen and a peice of paper off the table. He wrote quickly, his characters sloppy as his hand shook, the tears in his eyes making it hard for him to see.

He finished the last character and hesitated, tossing the pen on the table and quickly folding the paper, dropping it on Jigen's chest as he left the room.

_Send it in a letter_

_Make yourself feel better_

Jigen woke up moments later, hearing the door close. "Lupin?" he asked.

"What?!" Lupin replied, breaking away from his argument.

"Can you do me a favor and shut the hell up? Just give the bitch what she wants so she'll leave." He sighed deeply, draping his arm over his face.

The argument didn't end, though, Lupin still holding out for a higher percentage.

Jigen let out an angry sigh, knowing he wouldn't be getting any more sleep. He sat up, the letter falling into his lap.

He stared down at it, his drunken mind working slow. "What is this?" he wondered, picking it up and unfolding it.

He squinted until there were only two sets of characters, better than the three and four he had been seeing.

"What is he...? Damn it!" He jumped to his feet, the urgency of the situation outweighing his drunken state.

"Goemon!" he shouted as he made his way out to the front of the building, looking down each side of the walkway, picking the direction that seemed right and running down it.

_But it's not so bad_

_You're only the best I ever had_

Goemon walked briskly down the sidewalk, hearing his name being called, but choosing to ignore it.

_You don't need me back_

_You're just the best I ever had_

His brisk walk turned into a run, the tears flowing from his eyes as he ran from the fading calls of his name.

He didn't know where he was going, but he just knew he had to get away. He was a failure to the one he loved. Maybe in time he'd end up a failure to his friends.

_And it may take some time to_

_Patch me up inside_

_But I can't take it so I_

_Run away and hide_

Goemon stopped, leaning against the side of the train station. Past conversations with Kikiyo ran through his mind. The voices were loud, tormenting him as he held his head and screamed out.

The time she told him he was stubborn. The many times she said what a poor loser he was. All the times she wanted him to relax and open up. All the things he couldn't do, wouldn't do, for the one he loved.

_And I may find in time that_

_You were always right_

_You're always right_

"Goemon!" Jigen called out, stopping to catch his breath. He glanced around him, his friend nowhere in sight.

Worry filled him. What did he mean by the letter? What did he mean by "going away"?

"Goemon! Where are you?"

Was he really thinking of leaving them forever? And why?

_So you sailed away_

_Into a grey sky morning_

_Now I'm here to stay_

_Love can be so boring_

Jigen continued his search, eying the train station across the street. Making his way across the busy road, he started to head inside when he saw the familiar figure running away across the tracks.

"Goemon!"

Goemon stopped, turning to look at Jigen. Why had he bothered to find him? Did he really care that much for a failure?

_What was it you wanted_

_Could it be I'm haunted_

"Goemon! Look out!"

"Huh?" Goemon looked up as the speeding train was barreling down on him, his mind so deep in thought he hadn't noticed it's horn blaring. And for that one moment he froze, his body and mind unable to react.

Jigen raced towards him as the train got closer and closer, no time for it to brake.

Goemon stared in fear, death staring him right back. All he could do was close his eyes.

Jigen ran, jumping over the tracks in front of him before leaping through the air, his arms wrapping around Goemon as he pulled him to the ground with him, both landing on the other side of the tracks as the train rushed past.

_But it's not so bad_

_You're only the best I ever had_

_I don't want you back_

Jigen could only stare at Goemon, both sitting on the rocks where they landed. A smile came to his face as he laughed at the close call they both had.

Goemon stared back, his look changing from fear to sadness as he began to cry, lunging at Jigen and holding him tightly.

Jigen returned the gesture, holding Goemon close to him as he tried to calm his friend down.

Goemon cried on Jigen's shoulder. And for the first time that day, he felt like everything would be fine.

_You're just the best I ever had_

_The best I ever had_

_The best I ever_


	18. Chapter 18 : Random Songfics 2

The Noose by A Perfect Circle. Not picked randomly, but done because I had some dumb idea for it. xP Yay for dumb ideas! The idea was sort of stolen from The Shield, that part in the first season when Vic kills Terry. But, that's about it. xD It jumps around a bit, so hopefully it won't be too confusing. And again, it's dumb and doesn't make much sense. It's really more serious than anything, not what I was going for, but my mood was that way.

* * *

**Adventures In Random Songfics 2**

by D. Ant

Thirteen years ago things were different. Long sleepness nights, the continual drinking, always haunted by guilt. Zenigata was falling and he was falling fast.

Once highly praised by his superiors, he was now scorned, taken off cases, put on leave. They all wondered why the sudden change. He never said. He couldn't say.

A week prior to the decline, Zenigata and his partner, a female officer new to the station, were working on a case. They were hot on the trail of a drug smuggler, each day getting closer and closer to nabbing him.

When they finally did catch him, he was loaded. They found drugs, money and even jewelry in his hideout. Too good to pass up, they broke the officers code and took the money and jewels, only taking the drugs with them for evidence.

Detectives drilled the drug dealer about the money and he told them the cops took it, which Zenigata and the woman adamantly denied.

The detectives, on the other hand, were somewhat suspicious. And so they set up a trap, an undercover agent to pose as a cop, hoping he could find something out.

The woman knew the man, although he didn't know her. She knew the whole thing was a set-up and she told Zenigata. She told him they had to get rid of the rat.

Three days later they were given a new assignment. Five days later they were busting into a gang members house. There was a fire fight inside. During this, Zenigata aimed his gun at the agent and fired, the bullet going through the man's chest and killing him.

They pinned the death on another man, one of the gang members they arrested.

Thirteen years later Zenigata sat at his desk, the past incident a distant memory as he stared down at yet another note from Lupin, slamming it onto his desk when he was finished.

He made a few phone calls, leaving the station and heading to his car.

_So glad to see you have overcome them._

_Completely silent now_

His car was like his desk, a complete mess. Trash and old newspapers littered the floor and seats, which was the main reason he missed the note on the passenger seat, not seeing it until he got to the airport.

_With heaven's help_

_You cast your demons out_

I'm finally out of prison, the note read. Maybe you had forgotten all about me, but I never forgot about you. I mean, how could I? Stories about all of your failures plastered all over the papers. Ten years of my life are gone all because of you. All because you got your father to lie for you.

_And not to pull your halo down_

_Around your neck and tug you off your cloud_

All because you couldn't face the fact that you killed Agent Yamaoka. You killed him, took the money and then you rid me from your life. Well, I'm not dead. I can still get my revenge.

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about_

_Making your amends to the dead_

I will find you. I'm sure it won't be hard. And when I do, I will make you regret what you did to both me and Agent Yamaoka.

_To the dead_

The detectives didn't buy any of it. The missing money and jewels and now, a dead agent. Neither of the officers stories made sense. Parts were incomplete, other parts that should have matched didn't.

They began an investigation, Zenigata and the woman put on leave, their lives and personal properties pried into.

Zenigata's father, a successful and well known detective, stood up for his son. He also gave his son some advice, seeing that the evidence was stacking up against him.

He told him to lie, blame his partner for everything, say she was setting him up. He said that was his only hope to getting off.

Two years later the case went to trial. The woman officer said what she and Zenigata had told the detectives, the story that nobody was buying.

Zenigata was called to the stand. He avoided eye contact with his partner. And when asked about the missing money and jewels, he did as his father told him and he lied.

The woman was livid, jumping up and yelling at him, the bailiff having to restrain her and remove her from the courtroom.

He told the court that she wanted the money and that he had told her not to take it. When asked why he lied, he said he was trying to protect her.

And then he was asked about Agent Yamaoka.

Zenigata told the court that she had recognized him and she didn't want him to find out anything about what she did, so while in the middle of the confusion at the gang members house, she shot him, then blamed it on one of the gang members.

_Recall the deeds as if_

_They're all someone else's_

_Atrocious stories_

Thanks to the evidence Zenigata's father planted, everything pointed to the woman. She was arrested for the crimes while Zenigata got a short suspension for hindering an investigation.

A month later he was back on the job. His father was right. Not only had he gotten away with murder, but he felt good for the first time since the incident.

_Now you stand reborn before us all_

_So glad to see you well_

Zenigata sat on the plane, all of those feelings coming back as he stared out the window, his mind replaying everything that had happened.

Maybe he should have been jailed for murder. But he felt he didn't deserve it. Everything was her idea. He did it to protect her.

He remembered telling her she would be caught for it and to let him kill Yamaoka. Nobody would believe that he had done it. And his father would make sure he was never caught or convicted for it.

She let him do things his way. She was more than happy to, not wanting a murder nagging at her conscience.

_And not to pull your halo down_

_Around your neck and tug you to the ground_

He knew she wouldn't kill him. That would be too easy. She had to have something on him, but what? Her words that she was innocent wouldn't do much. But if she had proof that she was innocent, then that was another story.

Zenigata had lived with this for three years. After the trial he felt like a huge weight was lifted from him. He went on with his life, forgetting all about Yamaoka and his partner.

And after he had encountered Lupin and was accepted into Interpol, Yamaoka and his partner were almost non-existent.

And now, ten long years later, it had all come back.

_But I'm more than just a little curious_

_How you're planning to go about_

_Making your amends to the dead_

_To the dead_

He couldn't let her talk. He couldn't let her show whatever proof she had. He couldn't let her ruin whatever reputation he had built up.

_With your halo slipping down_

I will find you.

Let her find me, he thought. It will save me the trouble of finding her.

_Your halo slipping_

I'm sure it won't be hard.

No, it won't be hard at all. I'll make sure of it.

_Your halo slipping down_

And when I do, I will make you regret what you did to both me and Agent Yamaoka.

I killed Yamaoka and I survived. Killing you won't be any different.

_Your halo slipping down to choke you now_


	19. Chapter 19 : Random Songfics 3

Done to Three Libras by A Perfect Circle. Oh, the drama and crap like that! xD I cut the end short, since it repeats and I felt lazy. xP I don't know if I should feel frightened or beyond frightened at the fact that I'm actually kind of good at these things. -dives into a tea cozy and hides- This was actually the second one I did, but I wanted to change parts and then couldn't think of how to change it.

* * *

**Adventures in Random Songfics 3**

by D. Ant

Lupin slammed the bedroom door, the apartment walls vibrating, leaving a smirking Fujiko on the couch, her eyes still plastered to the magazine she slowly flipped through.

He walked to the bed, punching down on it several times, alleviating only a small amount of the anger and frustration he felt.

He gave her flowers, jewels, money, cars, anything she wanted, but still she sluffed him off as if he were just some desperate loser off the street.

_Threw you the obvious_

_And you flew with it on your back_

He knew she had dated many men, but he was different. They were the desperate losers off the street. He wasn't like them. He was the one who would gladly give his soul to her, if that were possible.

_A name in your recollection_

_Down among a million, say:_

He threw himself on the bed, staring up with hurt and angry eyes. Why couldn't she at least acknowledge the things he did for her? Why couldn't she be happy with the many gifts he gladly gave? Why couldn't she return his gestures with a simple "thank you"? And why did she have to say "I know" when he told her, from the bottom of his heart, that he loved her?

He wanted to storm out of that room. He wanted to pull out his gun, point it to her head, force her to say what he wanted to hear.

In the end he knew he could never do it. Those were just the thoughts of a desperate man. The man he was slowly becoming.

_Difficult enough to feel a little bit_

_Disappointed, passed over._

_When I've looked right through,_

_To see you naked and oblivious_

_and you don't see me_

Fujiko's smirk faded, her eyes slowly rising from the magazine and to the bedroom door.

She wondered what he was doing in there, what he was thinking.

She sighed deeply, wondering what it would take to get the point across. She knew how he felt about her. He only showed it about twenty times a day. It was just that she didn't feel the same way.

She tried to reject him as nice as she could. Perhaps her mistake was playing along with him in the beginning, giving him that much more hope that their relationship would go somewhere.

She felt sorry for him. When they first met he was pathetic, as if she was the first woman he ever loved and couldn't bear to lose her. And because of that she pitied him. Pitied to the point where she'd humor him, unsure of what he'd really do if she came out and fully rejected him.

_Well I threw you the obvious,_

_Just to see if there's more behind the_

_Eyes of a fallen angel,_

_Eyes of a tragedy._

"Lupin?" she said into the door. "Lupin," she repeated, still not getting an answer.

She shrugged and began to walk away when the door opened. She stopped quickly, looking back at it.

Lupin was sitting on the bed when she entered, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared out the window.

"Lupin..."

"What do you want?" he snapped.

"I wanted to apologize, but with that kind of attitude, forget it." She quickly spun around and headed for the door.

"Fujiko, wait," Lupin begged. "Don't leave, please."

She sighed, walking back over and sitting on the edge of the bed. Her mood sunk, Lupin seeming genuinely hurt. Hurt because of her actions. "I'm sorry, Lupin. I'm sorry for everything."

He gave a suprised look.

"I should have been more grateful to you, to everything you've given me. Maybe...maybe I was wrong about you."

Lupin smiled and sat next to her. "Everyone makes mistakes," he said teasingly, his hand snaking around her side and up to her breast.

"Lupin!" She jumped to her feet, turning and glaring at him. "This is just like you, you know? Trying to make me pity you by putting on this 'I'm so hurt' act. I can't believe I even bothered. But most of all, I can't believe I doubted my feelings for you."

_Here I am expecting just a little bit_

_Too much from the wounded_

_But I see,_

_See through it all,_

_See through,_

_And see you._

"Fujiko, hold on!" Lupin scrambled off the bed and ran out the door Fujiko had just slammed.

"Just leave me alone!" she yelled, grabbing her purse and walking to the front door.

"Just listen to me, okay?!" He grabbed her arm and spun her around.

"I'm sick of listening! Let go of me!" She yanked her arm in an attempt to free herself, but that only made his grip on her tighter.

"I love you, Fujiko," he said as he began to sob. "I love you..."

She turned and stared at him in shock, stared at the emotional man before her, the broken man. Her mind then turned to her aching wrist. "If you love me, then why are you hurting me?"

He looked down at her wrist, the veins on his hand popping out as he squeezed it. He quickly let go and backed off. "I-I'm sorry..." He was scared. He unconsciously hurt the woman he loved and it scared him.

_So I threw you the obvious_

_Do you see what occurs behind the_

_Eyes of a fallen angel_

_Eyes of a tragedy_

"Just...just leave me alone, Lupin," Fujiko said, trying to hide the fear and sadness in her voice as she quickly left the apartment, running down the hall to the elevators as tears filled her eyes.

The elevator doors opened and she stepped inside, hitting the first floor button. The doors closed and she collapsed onto the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

_Well, oh well.._

Lupin leaned against the door, slowly sliding down it until he sat on the floor. His crying had stopped, his eyes blank as they stared into nothingness.

He felt alone. No other emotions ran through him. Just loneliness.

The only person he loved, the only one who made him happy and now she was gone. Gone because of him.

_Apparently nothing._

_Apparently nothing at all._

He stood, walking to and sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the turned off television. He looked over at the controller sitting next to him, his hand grabbing and squeezing it.

Screaming, he threw his hand forward, the controller shattering the glass of the television.

Lupin got up and stormed out of the apartment, exiting the building and mindlessly wandering the streets.

_You don't_

_You don't_

_You don't see me_

Fujiko sat inside of a cab, staring out the window as it left the city. She regretted her decision, but knew it was the right call.

To her, love was more than gifts and sex. It was more than Lupin could give her. Or rather, more than he wanted to give her.

"If only you would have shown me true love, Lupin," she thought to herself. "Then maybe we wouldn't be missing each other so much..."

_You don't_

_You don't_

_You don't see me at all_


	20. Chapter 20 : Being Bored

This story never really had an end, so I quickly made one. My mind is odd...

* * *

**Adventures In Being Bored**

by D. Ant

The hideout was quiet. And after the night before, Lupin was glad it was.  
He, Jigen and Goemon had gone to the docks, hoping to steal some cargo that was coming in. Priceless artifacts for a museum showing, to be exact.  
The plan didn't go as smoothly as they wanted, another gang showing up, stealing the artifacts on their agenda as well.  
Gunfire, grenades, screaming, crates exploding...  
Lupin sighed quietly. They came out empty handed in the end, but it was quiet. He also realized it was boring.  
He glanced over at the couch, Goemon laying out on it, and walked towards it. "Out like a rock," he muttered. "Maybe I did give him too much of that medicine..."  
During the firefight, Goemon had been hit in the leg. And so Lupin and Jigen carried him back to the car, making a quick escape and then carrying him to the hideout.  
Jigen had cooked up some medicine for the pain, mainly just a mix of liquor, and handed it to Lupin, telling him to give Goemon a spoonful. Lupin, knowing everything, gave Goemon four spoonfuls, thinking that one would never do.  
Goemon complained about the taste, getting five seconds into his complaint when he fell asleep.  
Lupin then swore to it when Jigen asked if he had only given him a spoonful, although Jigen didn't believe him.  
"Hmmm..." Lupin got a mischevious grin as he stared down at Goemon, then glanced back towards the bathroom.  
The bathroom was a mess, the counter littered with Fujiko's perfumes and make-up and brushes and some other things Lupin wondered about. Lupin stared down at it before scooping up everything into his arms, heading back into the living room.

"I'm back," Jigen called as he entered, setting the paper bag in his hand on the kitchen table. He looked over at Lupin, leaning over the couch. Curious, he headed over.  
"Oh, hey Jigen," Lupin said as he continued to be occupied with what he was doing.  
"What are you-" Jigen began to laugh, then forced himself to stop, backing away and not wanting to be involved.  
Lupin looked up and grinned. "Doesn't he look pretty?" he asked of Goemon, his face covered in make-up and his hair all done up in bows.  
"I have no opinion on this," Jigen said through laughter.  
"I wonder if Fujiko left any of her evening gowns here?"  
"I think you've gone far enough. Besides, not only will Goemon kill you when he finds out what you've done to him, but Fujiko will kill you once she sees you've used up all her make-up."  
"It's worth it," Lupin sighed happily, standing back and looking at his work. He then grabbed the camera and took a few pictures of Goemon, putting his arms in different positions for each one.

Lupin hid those pictures away, always bringing them out when he wanted to be reminded of the good times.  
Goemon never found out about the incident, Lupin cleaning the make-up off and putting his hair the way it normally was by the time the medicine wore off.  
And to keep Fujiko off his back, he sent Jigen out to replace the make-up and womanly products, threatening that he'd bring the photos out and make it seem like it was all Jigen's doing.  
Life was good for Lupin. And sometimes, it was too good. 


	21. Chapter 21 : Love part 675

The role of the deceased, credit of that character goes to Nani. :3

Just some dumb idea I got from reading another story here.

* * *

**Adventures in Love part 67.5**

Goemon knelt down in the middle of the road, cradling the bloody body of his best friend. He sobbed over the lifeless body of his close male companion.  
The two had done so much together for many years. But now he was there in physical form only.  
Goemon's silent tears turned to audible sobs. He wasn't able to save him, to save the one he loved most in the world, someone whose love he would never have returned, someone who he himself couldn't fully share the love he felt.  
The memories came flooding back, all the times the two shared.  
And now, they'd never share another second together.  
Goemon opened his eyes, his kimono stained red. He cradled his friends head in his hand, his other grasping tightly his cold limp hand.  
"I...I lo-love...you..." he managed to whisper, bending down and kissing his friends forehead.

"That's so sad," Lupin said as he watched from afar, wiping a tear from his eye. "It's so...so...touching." Unable to take it anymore, he began to sob, throwing himself at Jigen, who quickly pushed him off, Lupin falling to the ground.  
"I find it highly...disturbing..." Jigen said, turning away.

Goemon lowered his head, trying to contain his tears, but unable to. "I...I don't know..." He began to sob once more. "Oh, Mr, Tumkins!" he wailed, completely losing it as he clutched the body tighter.

"And how can a teddy bear bleed?" Jigen wondered, looking back as Goemon was now laying down, squeezing his childhood toy in his arms as he cried himself to sleep.


	22. Chapter 22 : A Day Out At Sea

**Adventures in a Day Out at Sea**

Lupin was stressed. His love life stunk, the thieving business wasn't so hot and Zenigata had made it his life's mission to ruin any fun Lupin ever had.  
"I know," Lupin said as he lifted his head from the table. "I'll go sailing."  
He jumped to his feet, asking the others if they wanted to go. Goemon declined and Fujiko had just gotten her hair done and didn't want the wind and salty air ruining it.  
Jigen was more than happy to go, wanting to get away from the stench from the chemicals drowning Fujiko's hair.

"I bet you could toss her into a crowd of cops and they'd all die from asphyxiation," Jigen mused as he steered the boat out into a small harbor.  
Lupin laughed. Although he doubted it would work on humans, Fujiko's salonified hair was good at keeping the flies and gnats away from the apartment.  
Jigen dropped anchor and grabbed the booze, he and Lupin getting quite drunk after a few hours.  
"Hey, Jigen," Lupin said as he stood by the side of the boat. "Wanna make me happy?" He looked back and smiled at him.  
"Sure," Jigen said as he smiled back.  
Jigen walked up to Lupin as he was bent over the railing. He pressed his body against Lupin's, his head resting on Lupin's shoulder as he reached forward and grabbed his hand.  
Both of them prepared themselves for the fun.  
"Ready?" Lupin asked.  
"Mmhmm," Jigen replied.  
"Don't be too harsh this time. Try and be gentle, okay?"  
"Yeah, yeah. I think I know that after the last time, geez."  
Both straightened up, Lupin pressing his body into Jigen's while Jigen pressed his forward into Lupin's, both letting out a small grunt as they clenched their teeth.  
"Come on, you bastard!" Lupin strained to get as he leaned over.  
"Stop struggling!" Jigen said as he brought his hands up to hold Lupin's waist tightly.  
Lupin grunted as he straightened up. "Oh yeah, that's it," Lupin said as he grunted.  
Jigen groaned as he wrapped his arms tightly around Lupin's chest and pulled back.  
The two were too busy to see Zenigata come up on their boat, pulling his boat to the side and boarding. 'I'll get you now, Lupin,' he thought with a laugh as he crept up, his laugh and smile fading to a look of horror when he stood behind Lupin and Jigen and they held each other and grunted and groaned.  
Lupin bent over the railing and let out a loud grunt while Jigen once again held tightly his waist.  
"Come on, Lupin," Jigen said. "Don't give up now."  
"This is too much. It's just too big. Oh my god!" he grunted as he straightened up.  
Zenigata stood, his eye twitching in horror, his mouth hanging open.  
"We've almost got it, Lupin. Just a little bit more," Jigen said with a grin as he grabbed onto Lupin's chest once more.  
Lupin bent down farther over the railing as he groaned and grunted. "Ah, wait, almost...yes!" he yelled out as he straightened himself up, looking back at Jigen, the two grinning at each other, both exhausted and breathing hard.  
Lupin then noticed Zenigata, Jigen turning to look at him.  
"What?" Jigen asked.  
Lupin turned and stood next to Jigen, facing Zenigata as he fainted. "What? It's only a fish." Lupin held up the large sea bass in his hand, looking over at Jigen, both shrugging.  
"Maybe he's allergic," Jigen said.  
He helped Lupin dump his body back onto his boat, the two speeding off, wanting to get back and cook the fish for dinner, both of their mouths salivating at the thought. 


	23. Chapter 23 : Swearing

Caution: This story contains lots of swearing. You have been warned. Or something.

Because it's fun and meaningless. :D I like how it starts out so normal and then just goes all random and angry. xD It's not supposed to make sense or be entertaining, really. I just felt like writing it, so I did.

* * *

**Adventures in Swearing**  
by D. Ant

Jigen leaned against the hard cement walls of the facility. Glaring down at his gun, he emptied the spent shells, replacing them slowly but forcefully. He rolled his eyes over at Lupin, who sat about ten yards away on the other side of the hall.  
Lupin, noticing he was being watched, looked up at Jigen. He shot him an angered look before turning his head.  
Goemon stood at the other end of the hall. He noticed the two, readying himself for another argument.  
"Here it comes," Fujiko sighed.  
Goemon looked at her and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to prepare for the fifteenth fight of the day.  
Lupin thought about the events that led up to their predicament. Sure, it was his fault, but it wasn't like he wanted all of this to happen. Maybe he could have thought things out a little. It couldn't have hurt. But even so, he doubted it would have helped.  
He glanced up at Jigen and mumbled something under his breath.  
"If you want to say something, then fucking say it," Jigen said, peeking around the corner once more.  
"You know what? Fuck it. Just fuck it, Jigen. Fine, I got everyone into this shit of a mess, I admit. But couldn't you just not be your stupid fucking self for one god damn minute?"  
Jigen gave him an annoyed look.  
"Jigen, the group asshole, the team shithead, the-"  
"I get the fucking point! Damn! Just shut your ass for a second before I shoot your fucking head off!"  
Lupin glared at him in silence.  
"Wait," Jigen said, looking around in confusion. "What the fuck is your point?"  
Lupin groaned. "You see? Do you see the shit I have to put up with from you? You make me a fucking mental case sometimes."  
"Me? That's a fucking laugh. Fujiko is like five hundred fucking times worse than me. I don't even know why you keep that bitch around."  
"I heard that, you dick!" Fujiko yelled.  
"Fucking whore!" Jigen yelled back.  
"Asshole," she muttered.  
Goemon gave her an annoyed look.  
"Oh, just go back to your fucking meditation shit!" she yelled at him before wandering away.  
"What the fuck time is it?" Lupin asked.  
"You have a fucking watch, use it," Jigen muttered.  
"Fuck, Jigen!"  
"Give me something to fuck and I will."  
"I don't think there are any dogs here," Lupin said, grinning as he thought it was a pretty good comeback.  
"Real fucking mature." Jigen put his gun away and relaxed a little. "Shit, it's like they're playing fucking games with us."  
Lupin glanced at his watch.  
"I told you to grab the damn explosives. But oh no, you knew what the hell you were doing, didn't you, you fucking moron..."  
Lupin glared at Jigen. "Fuck you..."  
"Yeah, fuck me, Lupin."  
"Drop your pants and I will, you bitch."  
Jigen gave him a look of confused disgust. "What the fuck?" he said, deciding to keep his back to the wall.  
"Goldfish," Lupin muttered. "Stupid fucking goldfish."  
"Can't let it go, huh?" Jigen grinned.  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"  
"I told you to get the fucking snacks," Jigen sighed.  
"Oh, and I was supposed to fucking know what she was fucking talking about?!"  
"What in the hell would she want with live goldfish?"  
"Maybe she wanted a fucking pet! I don't know!"  
"A pet...right..."  
"Fuck you..."  
"She said she was hungry and wanted goldfish. I though you were joking when-"  
"Shut up, Jigen! Just, shut the hell up already! Damn it! I'm sick of your shit!"  
Jigen only grinned.  
"They're coming," Goemon said as he walked up to them.  
"What?" Lupin asked. "Aw, shit! I thought they fucking left!"  
"Wrong as all fucking hell," Jigen said.  
"What?" Lupin gave him a confused look.  
Jigen shrugged.  
"You make no fucking sense," Lupin said as he looked down the hall they stood near.  
Lupin then jumped as someone came behind him, turning to see Fujiko. "Damn it, Fujiko! Don't fucking sneak up on me like that! Fuck..."  
"Dick," Fujiko said, glaring at him.  
"Slut," Jigen said.  
"You're not part of the fucking conversation, so fuck off," she said.  
"Fuck you," Jigen muttered.  
Goemon growled in anger. "Will everyone just please shut the fuck up for one fucking minute?!"  
Everyone was quiet, all looking off at the floor.  
"All right," Jigen said, getting his gun ready. "What's the fucking plan?"  
"Plan? You mean, we have one? Holy shit." Fujiko rolled her eyes.  
Lupin glared at her.  
"I told you, just fucking buy something, but you couldn't fucking listen, could you?" Jigen said, glaring at Lupin. "One fucking item, that's it. And then they would have left us the fuck alone. But, no, you just couldn't fucking do it. And now look at us. In deep shit and fucking surrounded."  
"You've made your damn point about twenty fucking times already! Shut your fucking mouth, Jigen!" Lupin sighed, checking his clip.  
The noises got louder by the second, voices and laughter getting closer to them.  
"Shit! What do we do, Lupin?" Jigen asked impatiently.  
"We can always just deal with them," Goemon suggested.  
"Are you fucking out of your damn mind?!" Lupin asked. "They know things! They're like fucking survivalist psychotic...fucks!"  
"What the fuck are you saying? That they're better than us?" Jigen seemed angered at the implication. "We've been through worse fucking things! We can handle this shit!"  
"All right, dumbass, then fucking deal with it." Lupin crossed his arms over his chest and grinned.  
"Alone?! They'd fucking-" He quickly stopped his sentence, but it was too late.  
"Fucking what, Jigen?" Lupin asked, his grin getting better.  
"Fuck," Jigen sighed.  
"You guys are so fucking pathetic. It's really fucking sad when you don't have the fucking balls to deal with them. They aren't that fucking bad." Fujiko glared at the three and stomped off towards the noise.  
"They are going to fuck her up..." Jigen said as he watched her.  
Fujiko got out of view, the three waiting for her return, if she was ever to return. Everything was quiet. Five minutes passed and nothing. Ten minutes, still nothing. Lupin began to get worried at fifteen minutes, finally mustering up the courage to go after her. He was then surprised to see her walking towards them.  
"You survived..." he said in shock.  
"What?!" Jigen looked up to see her approaching. "Un-fucking-believable..." he sighed.  
"Ooh, are those those peanut butter ones?" Lupin asked, pointing to one of the boxes Fujiko held.  
"And why should I give you any?" she asked. "You didn't have the fucking guts to get them yourself. You want some, go get them."  
"But...but...Fujiko!" he whined.  
"They're just kids. Young fucking kids, Lupin!"  
"They aren't kids, Fujiko!" he said in anger. "They're a fucking blood thirsty militia!"  
"It's the Girl Scouts," she said with a blank stare. "You want fucking cookies, go fucking get them your fucking self!" She turned and walked off.  
The three were left standing, each eying the other, none wanting to deal with the scary group of girls, but all of them wanting cookies.  
"I say we take them down," Goemon said with an evil grin.  
"Now you're fucking talking," Jigen said, grinning as he readied his gun.  
"Fuck," Lupin sighed in defeat as he followed the two as they embarked on their journey, all ready to lose their lives for a simple box of overpriced cookies.


	24. Chapter 24 : The Orange Underground 1

Because this story is short you are going to be stuck with reading this. Don't want to be penalized for too short a thing here. xD  
Sunday night radio SUCKS!! Both 106.1 and 104.1 have Love Line or whatever. I hate that show. Hate hate hate. 95.5 is playing crap. 93.1 is playing Prince right now. Eww. And 98.5 for some reason isn't playing. Ooh, wow, T. Rex. -flails- I don't want to go back to listening to random crap on youtube. And all my music I've heard a kajillion times. Twonk sad. Twonk need moosic... Ugh, Bang A Gong has got to be one of the gayest songs out there. And it never ends. Collective Soul. Finally something I can stand to listen to. Okay, now I can write the story, since it isn't written yet. xD  
And yes, the thoughts of Goemon being terrified of Cheetos makes me laugh so hard. Man, I wish I had some Cheetos right now. And a Pepsi. And peanuts to put in said Pepsi. And a pizza. And some Taco Bell. Hungry yet? xD  
Oh my god! Ah! Leah! I haven't heard this totally awesome song in forever! Twonk happy. Yay!  
Randomly swearing at inanimate objects is fun. :D

* * *

**Adventures in the Orange Underground 1**

"It's because you're careless," Goemon commented as he and Jigen sat in the living room.  
"Oh, is that so," Jigen said in anger. "And I'm sure you would have done things any differently!"  
"For one thing, I wouldn't have been unable to stand because I was so drunk. Maybe if you learned how to rein in your bad habits things would have turned out differently."  
Jigen muttered unkind words under his breath.  
"What was that?" Goemon demanded to know.  
"Nothing," he muttered through clenched teeth.  
"That's ironic," Goemon said with a smirk. "Nothing from the person who is just that, a complete nothing."  
Jigen glared, enraged, his eyes watching as Goemon stood to go into the next room. Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out an unopened bag of Cheetos, opening them and beginning to eat, his eyes now staring at the TV in front of him.  
"Jigen," a deep voice said.  
Jigen turned his head, Chester Cheetah sitting in a chair at the kitchen table. Chester looked at him over the sunglasses he wore.  
"That is his miso soup on the stove." Chester gave him a knowing look and nodded.  
Jigen looked over at the stove and then back at the table, where Chester no longer appeared.  
Jigen got up and wandered to the kitchen, dumping half his bag of Cheetos into the pot. Walking off with a smile, he took out a Cheeto out and ate it.  
Goemon went to check on his soup just as Jigen got to the door.  
The last sound Jigen heard before he left the apartment was the blood curdling scream of Goemon, bringing an even bigger smile to his face.


	25. Chapter 25 : The Orange Underground 2

Heh, it was like I was drunk writing the notes to the last chapter. xD  
But I just have to point out that when I saw those Cheetos commercials I was like "Oh my gosh! I'm not the only one!" Chester appears to me all the time. Or maybe that's just my brains way of telling me I need sleep.  
I couldn't think of what to do with Lupin... xP  
I hate drawing guns...

* * *

**Adventures in the Orange Underground 2**

"Another job gone to waste," Jigen sighed as he, Lupin and Goemon walked into the apartment.  
"And all because Lupin is a weak child," Goemon said.  
Jigen mumbled in agreement and walked off.  
"Ah well," Lupin sighed happily. "At least those jewels didn't go to waste."  
"They didn't, but our time did," Goemon said in anger. "And we got nothing for our efforts. Do you not care about that?"  
"Well..." Lupin thought.  
"I'm through with you, Lupin! You have finally proven that you only care about some backstabber like Fujiko!"  
"Oh, come on, Goemon," Lupin whined as attempted to stop him from leaving. "Look, I'm sorry, but you know how I am. She makes me weak. Come on, show some pity."  
Goemon glared at him. "One more chance," he growled. "Mess up again and I will kill you."  
Lupin smiled and laughed nervously as Goemon sat in the corner.

It was a few hours later, just past one in the morning. Lupin couldn't sleep. Tired of tossing and turning in bed he decided to wander to the kitchen to get a snack.  
The apartment was dark, the full moon making it light enough for Lupin to make his way around.  
"Cheetos?" he wondered, seeing a bag on the counter. "I wonder why Jigen likes these so much?"  
He shrugged and grabbed the bag, opening them and tossing a few in his mouth, finding that they were really good.  
It was then in mid-crunch when he saw Goemon still sitting in the corner. "Goemon," he whispered. "Hey," he said, tossing a Cheeto at him, holding in his laughter as it stuck in his hair.  
"Lupin."  
Lupin jumped, afraid he was about to be caught, but then realizing nobody had a voice that deep. He then noticed Chester Cheetah sitting on the couch.  
"You know what you want to do," Chester said with a smile.  
Lupin grinned childishly and laughed.

Goemon woke up several hours later, feeling that something was wrong. He sniffed the air, bringing his hand to his upper lip and pulling it back, an orange substance on his fingers.  
Panic hit him as he got to his feet and rushed to a mirror. His eye twitched when he saw himself.  
He was sporting an orange mustache, orange powder in his eyebrows. Sticking out of his ears was two Cheetos while a few dozen stuck out of his hair. He also seemed to have grown breasts, but found out that it was two large mashed up balls of Cheetos.  
Lupin was startled awake by a loud scream. Realizing what it was, he layed back down and smiled.


	26. Chapter 26 : The Orange Underground 3

So, I walked up to a guy with a sign saying "Free Tibet" and I asked him for some Tibet and he was like "What?" so I said "You have a sign saying you have free Tibet. Can I have some?" and he told me to screw myself and then he beat me up with his sign. Where does one go to get some free Tibet? I want some... :( Is it yummy? I bet it tastes like chicken. Mmmm...chicken...

* * *

**Adventures in the Orange Underground 3**

"So, I'm just a backstabber to him, huh?" Fujiko said, angered by the news.  
Lupin laughed nervously. He had only told Fujiko about what Goemon said as a joke, thinking she wouldn't care. It was only after he opened his big mouth that he found out otherwise.  
"Hmm..." She squinted her eyes and looked around, her mind busy thinking of some sort of scheme.  
Knowing that look, Lupin got up and left, not wanting to be involved any more than he already was.

"Hey, Goemon," Jigen said as he entered the apartment. "Can you help me for a second?"  
Goemon nodded and stood, walking towards Jigen.  
"Unfortunately, it's nothing to do with mindless violence, so you can leave your sword behind."  
Goemon hesitated.  
Jigen sighed. "Nobody is going to steal it. Just set it down and help."  
Goemon reluctantly set it on the floor, giving it one last longing look before he walked out the door.

Meanwhile, Fujiko layed on her bed, flipping through a random fashion magazine while eating all of Jigen's Cheetos.  
"Fujiko."  
Fujiko jumped, quickly turning and pointing her gun behind her, towards the comfy chair that Chester sat in. "What do you want?" she demanded.  
"Goemon is out, but he left his sword behind."  
"And?"  
Chester sighed and shook his head.  
"Oh...oh! I get it!" Fujiko smiled evilly, jumping off the bed, Cheetos in hand, and running out the door.

"Thanks for the help," Jigen said as he and Goemon entered the apartment. Jigen then took his place on the couch while Goemon went back to meditating.  
The door then flew open, a haggard Fujiko stumbling in, panting and out of breath.  
"What happened to you?" Jigen wondered, he and Goemon gazing at her.  
"Ninjas!" she blurted out. "Thousands of them!"  
Goemon jumped to his feet in anger and dashed out the door.  
"Don't bother," Fujiko said as he placed her hand on Jigen's chest to stop him as he started towards the door. "I'm just messing with him."  
Jigen looked on in confusion and slowly walked out the door.  
"Hey, Fujiko," Lupin wondered as he turned down the hall wearing a black ninja outfit. "Why did I have to wear this again?"  
Seeing the outfit caused something inside of Goemon to snap. He screamed, gripping his sword as he ran towards Lupin.  
"Goemon, it's me!" Lupin screamed as Goemon ran towards him. Lupin closed his eyes tightly and cowered.  
All sound stopped, the hall unusually quiet.  
Lupin peeked an eye open, Goemon's sword only inches from his throat, Goemon frozen with a terrified look on his face.  
Lupin backed up slowly until he got a comfortable distance. It was then we he saw the reason for Goemon's behavior.  
The sword Goemon held, the one he always had with him and cherished, had been brutally violated. For on that sword layed a thick coat of an oh so familiar orange powder, small bits of jagged crumbs sitting on the surface of the cheese.  
Goemon's mouth hung open, his eyes planted on the orange blade, his eye twitching slightly.  
"Nice," Jigen said with a laugh as he walked up to Goemon, spotting the sword.  
"Don't call me a backstabber ever again!" Fujiko yelled as she poked his arm.  
A small whimper escaped Goemon's mouth.  
The three then walked away, leaving Goemon standing in the middle of the hall, the telltale signs of tears appearing in his eyes.


	27. Chapter 27 : The Orange Underground 4

The finale to this tragic series of woe. And most likely my last update for a while. xD So, enjot this. Savor it. Wait, enjot this? My keyboard is conspiring against me in all of it's Allen-filled evilness. Stupid keys...yeah, it's all the keys fault. xD My fingers are higly trained for these simple tasks. They make no mistakes. Have it be known that this is the truth. Higly?? Oh my god!! It's beginning!!

Anyway...

* * *

**Adventures in the Orange Underground 4**

Zenigata walked into the supermarket, craving the ramen he so wanted. 'I can taste it,' he thought happily.  
Standing in the ramen aisle was Goemon, grabbing the last bowl. 'How he can even eat this stuff...' he thought, getting it for Lupin, as he seemed to have grown a sudden taste to it.  
Zenigata rounded the corner, seeing Goemon walk off with a bowl, what he soon found out was the last bowl.  
His right eye twitched as he stared at the empty space. "My...ramen..." Annoyance filled him. "You think you're so clever, Goemon?" he muttered. "Fine, I can just go get some tofu."  
Zenigata wandered to the tofu section, stopping abruptly, his eye twitching once more as he watched Goemon walk away with every last thing of tofu. A small growl escaped him as his body tensed in anger.  
'I'll get you for that,' he thought. 'No matter what it costs me in the end, you will pay for this.'  
Zenigata crept around the store, snagging a bag of Cheetos and eating them as he watched Goemon as he stood in line.  
"Zenigata."  
Zenigata looked over to where the deep voice sounded from.  
Chester Cheetah leaned against an aisle, motioning his head to a tall display.  
Zenigata looked at it and then looked at where Goemon stood. He then looked back at Chester.  
Chester nodded slowly.  
An evil look came over Zenigata's face. He grabbed someones shopping cart and lined it up to the display, shoving it forward.  
The cart hit the display and sent it toppling down.  
Goemon took notice of the growing shadow engulfing him. Looking up, he screamed, the last thing he saw being the large amount of Cheetos bags that fell towards him, burying him in the end.  
Zenigata ran over and laughed maniacally as he held up the ramen bowl in victory.  
Behind him, Goemon's twitching leg stuck out of the pile of Cheetos bags.  
"Oh, that's just great," Lupin said as he walked up.  
"Yeah, I thought we agreed not to overdo it after the cabin episode," Jigen said as he glared at a still laughing Zenigata.  
"How long will it take to unbreak him this time?" Fujiko wondered.  
The three mumbled unkind things as they dragged Goemon off.  
"Ooh, tofu," Zenigata said as he noticed some by his feet, picking it up and getting in line, his mind now thinking of the wonderful lunch he was about to have.


	28. Chapter 28 : Samurai Training

I think this idea was funny when I thought of it, whenever that was. Just felt like writing it to get it out of the way. Should have written it when it came to me. Or however the idea came up. Gosh, my brain sucks. Wow, some of these episodes are just bizarre. I'm hungry...

* * *

**Adventures in Samurai Training**

"Goemon still gone?" Lupin asked. He had just woken up and was making his way to the kitchen.  
"Yup," Jigen said as he watched TV.  
"How long has it been?"  
"He said it was important training or something," Jigen said with a shrug.  
"Yeah, but, he's never been gone this long."

"No," the woman yelled, hitting Goemon over the head with her fan. "Not like that! Like this!"  
Goemon looked on as she grabbed the chopsticks from his hands and showed him once again what he had to do.  
"You try! And do it right this time!" The woman stood, arms folded over chest as she glared down at him.  
"Like...like this?" he asked meekly, glancing up at the woman.  
The woman beamed. "Yes! You've got it!" She laughed out of pure joy and hugged him. "And it only took you five weeks!"  
Goemon's smile faded and he looked at the woman with an angry stare.  
"Most people get it in a day," the woman said matter-of-factly. "You have been my toughest student yet, but we have done it. Now, you can use that skill to better the world."  
Goemon looked down at the chopsticks in confusion. "Better the world? But...how?"  
He and the woman looked at each other, both not really finding an answer.

"I say we go see what he's doing," Lupin suggested.  
"Yeah, sure," Jigen shrugged, not really caring.  
The two got in the car and took off, driving the four hours to the small village Goemon was in.  
"Wow..." Jigen looked around with uncertainty. "They...sure have a lot of cats here."  
All around the village were tons of colorful cats.  
"Why...um, why do they all have sweaters on?" Lupin wondered. It had him kind of frightened, but it did give him the answer on why Goemon was so weird.  
"Maybe it's some sort of...cult...thing..." Jigen answered.  
Stepping around the cats, they walked into the village.  
The woman smiled when she saw them. "Goemon is busy training," she told them. "Come back later. We'll have a dinner prepared."  
"Sure," Lupin said slowly. "Um, why do the cats have-"  
"Let's just go, Lupin," Jigen said, dragging Lupin away. He only wanted to get away from the woman, as she scared him for unknown reasons.

"You will have guests later," the woman said, entering the building Goemon was in.  
Goemon didn't hear as he was too busy in his training.  
"You have all the makings of a great samurai," the woman said proudly. "Your father would be proud."  
Goemon stared down at his hands, his face showing that he was in deep concentration.  
The woman stood and watched, her eyes watering at the wonderful sight she was beholding.  
Unclothed cats gathered at her feet, all looking up at her and then at Goemon.  
"Soon, kitties," she said. "Soon."  
Letting out a joyous sigh, she continued watching as Goemon perfected the skill he was taught, his hands moving at lightening speeds as he continued to knit, wanting to fulfill his promise to the cats of giving all of them sweaters for the upcoming winter.


	29. Chapter 29 : Spiders!

I want to thank Ruby MoonIII, who suggested this idea as a story after our whole being freaked out by spiders thing one night. xD

And yes, the very beginning is normal every day fare for them. xD And Goemon randomly screaming "Grahhh!" is an awesome thing to behold. I saw him do it once. It's a thing of legends. :3

And I got freaked out by spiders today and was sort of in Goemon mode without the destruction. So, I decided it was time to write this masterpiece. Why are spiders so effing disgusting? They belong outside and only outside...

* * *

**Adventures in Spiders! Oh my god, they're everywhere!!**

The day started out normal enough. Lupin had rushed to an old abandoned hideout, speeding through the streets while Jigen and Goemon sat frightened and silent, wishing they had done more with their lives.  
They breathed again once Lupin stopped the car in a littered alley.  
It was only after they had stepped into the dusty and cobweb filled apartment when things started to get weird.  
Goemon looked around, his eyes twitching ever so slightly.  
Jigen and Lupin took a step away from him, unsure of what he would do.  
Goemon's grip on his sword relaxed, his shoulders loosening.  
Jigen and Lupin breathed a mental sigh of relief.  
They then tensed when Goemon let out a scream and swiped madly with his sword.  
Muscles relaxed when the sword was sheathed and the poor spider sat on the dusty floor in several pieces.  
"Spiders..." Goemon shuddered. He then found a place to sit and relax.  
Jigen and Lupin slowly rolled their eyes at each other before rolling them to where Goemon sat.  
They knew how Goemon got around spiders. And between him and the machine gun wielding mob that was after them, they figured they'd take their chances with Goemon.

Goemon tried to relax, but every time he closed his eyes he felt several eyes watching him.  
This made his skin crawl, every so often his hand brushing his arms or his head, his senses messing with him.  
It was finally to the point where he'd open his eyes, looking around him, just knowing there was something watching him.  
Becoming more and more paranoid, his sword became his best friend, there to protect him from the creepy crawlies.  
His head would jerk to certain places, just knowing he saw something there.  
"They're hiding..." he muttered in an angry growl.  
Lupin and Jigen could only sit still, staring at their once sane friend in fear.  
Goemon screamed and sliced apart the bookcase. "Where are you?" he asked, jumping to his feet and staring over the bits of wood.  
He looked to his right quickly, swearing he saw something move on the wall dividing the living area from the bedroom.  
Another scream, more debris laying at his feet, still no spider.  
"You're messing with me now?!" he growled, teeth clenched as he looked around the room.  
Lupin let out a small whimper. It was all he could do, really.  
Jigen sat frozen, his breathing slowed as he was afraid Goemon would hear it and notice him.  
"I know you're in here!" Goemon yelled, a twisted smile on his face as he sliced the kitchen table to bits.  
"I will kill you!" he screamed as he took the television sets life.  
Jigen saw some humor in this, a slight smile coming to his face.  
"Grahhhh!" Goemon stared down at what was once a stainless steel sink.  
He smiled and started to laugh, thinking he killed the ninja-like enemy. His smile faded, though, when he saw it was only a cockroach.  
Back on the hunt, Goemon ran from one side of the room to the other, swinging his sword like a mental patient and screaming like a wild beast.  
Regular household items didn't stand a chance. Basic construction didn't, either.  
Lupin let out a snort of laughter when Goemon pounced and stabbed a dust bunny. He quickly got quiet and straight-faced again when Goemon glared at him.  
"I think it went that way," he said, pointing somewhere away from where he sat.  
"Quick thinking," Jigen muttered as Goemon was now no longer a threat to them.

The destruction went on for some time until there was nothing really left to destroy.  
Goemon, no longer seeing any spiders, was satisfied, figuring he cut them so fine that their carcasses blended into the dust.  
Nodding proudly at himself, he turned to return to his little corner.  
Lupin and Jigen began to laugh, doing everything they could to hold it in.  
"What?" Goemon asked, turning and glaring at them.  
"Nothing," Lupin shrugged and shook his head, looking as innocent as he could.  
"I think you got him," Jigen said, giving a smile and a thumbs up. "Good job."  
"Thank you," Goemon said, giving a half smile and a nod, turning once more.  
Snorts of laughter continued to come from behind him, Goemon deciding to ignore them, as there were no more objects to cut in anger.  
Unable to hold it any longer, Lupin and Jigen burst out in laughter, rolling around on the couch, Jigen falling off and rolling on the floor.  
Goemon's eye twitched. He decided to go sit on the roof of the building, somewhere less messy and a lot more quiet.  
Lupin and Jigen continued to laugh, the elusive ninja spider that they thought was Goemon's imagination sitting stealthily right in the middle of his back, outsmarting it's oppenent and waiting to strike as Goemon walked off oblivious to all around him.


	30. Chapter 30 : Cloning

I claim nothing. I just wrote the thing. Very quickly, at that. Too lazy to un double space it. xP It is easier to read, but it just bugs me for some reason. -shrugs-

Warning : Implications of sexual things. Or something. It seems mild to me, but I don't know. Putting a warning up just in case. :3

* * *

**Adventures in Cloning**

Mamo sat on a comfy down filled couch in his palace like estate located on his own private island. He smiled as another grape was fed to him.

He knew it was wrong, but he had been alone for some time. He missed the companionship. He missed the loving touch of another. He missed that kind of connection.

It had been years since his last love, one that ripped him apart on the day she died. Since then he had taken on a new name, a new identity, a new appearance.

'It's all different now,' he thought, slowly chewing the grape.

Sighing deeply, he turned his head to the side, to the window. Outside the birds sang.

'So free. So...innocent.'

Another deep sigh.

"Come on, honey," the soothing voice of his lover called out, taking his hand and pulling him up.

Mamo nodded and got to his feet, still holding his lovers hand as he was led to the large oversized bed in the nearby bedroom.

"Come here," his lover purred, sitting in the bed and motioning Mamo to do the same.

'What will she think?' Mamo thought as he sat, his lovers hand now running through his hair. 'Is this really what I want? A replacement for my one true love? Is this my curse, that she is never to be cloned, that she is to be a failure every time?'

Mamo looked up with sadness at his lover.

His lover looked back and smiled, pushing him gently on the bed, caressing his body as both began to remove their clothing.

"I love you," his lover purred in his ear.

Mamo smiled. 'Even if this wrong,' he thought, 'it makes me feel like I belong, like I'm wanted. I am sorry Elizabeth. I am sorry for failing you. I hope you understand.'

Another deep sigh before his lips rested on his lovers neck.

- - - - -

"Lupin!" Zenigata yelled as he chased the four thieves down a long curved hallway.

All four had grins on their faces as they ran.

Hearing a familiar and enticing sound, Lupin stopped quickly.

Jigen ran into him, Goemon running into Jigen and Fujiko running into Goemon.

Jigen opened his mouth to begin his angry tirade. Seeing the look on Lupin's face, he turned his head to see what his friend was seeing.

Turning his head quickly, he puked.

Goemon watched for a couple of seconds, walking away to find a corner to kneel down and kill himself in.

Lupin watched with fear, but at the same time couldn't help himself, his hand making it's way into his pants.

Fujiko threw up a little in her mouth. She then walked off, hoping to stop Goemon before he did anything stupid.

Zenigata finally caught up, stopping and looking disturbed as Lupin moaned quietly. He looked towards the bed, shuddering as the two lovers cried out.

- - - - -

Mamo clenched his lovers white hair, his other hand clasping tightly his lovers thin waist, his fingers digging into the blue skin.

'This is...' Mamo thought, 'This shouldn't feel so good.'

Five minutes later the two were done, both collapsing on the bed.

"I love you," Mamo whispered, now holding his lover.

"I love you, too," his lover answered, looking up with a seductive smile.

"I will always love you, Mamo," Mamo smiled as held tighter his cloned love childs love child. "I will always love you," he sighed, staring up at the ceiling, finally accepting the love he held for himself, even if it was just a clone.


	31. Chapter 31 : Explaining Goemon's Life

This came to be from something I won't explain, since I don't want to and it will be known by those who will know. Know? Know. D:

* * *

**Adventures in Explaining Goemon's Life**

Growing up a male in samurai society wasn't easy. There were many basic principles they were to take on. Many hours of tough and strenuous training they were to go through to strengthen both body and mind. The meditation they were to do that cleared their mind and made life more peacefully balanced. The samurai man was the protector and provider for their families and people of the village.

But there was one male that would lead a much different life. Goemon Ishikawa XIII would be a different kind of samurai for one reason : his mother was a feminist.

His mother, whose name is not know, kept from history for the shame she caused the samurai, believed that men and women should be treated as equals. She didn't want to stay home and cook, clean and take care of her son. She wanted to be out working the fields and in the dojo training with the other men. She also wanted to be paid for what she did, just like the men were given a small amount of money for their work. She fought against women being kept like slaves inside of the home, but also, if it had to be that way, that they were also to be given money for their labor. The fact that the village leader was a man and he blew her off only made her more bitter.

The other women soon banded together and made their own little club, led by Goemon's mother. They didn't think it was right that the men ran the families. They didn't think it right that their sons would become their fathers, their daughters to be kept in the same low status as their mothers. In protest, some of the women dressed up in their husbands clothes. Some worked out in the fields, finding their own piece of land to till and plant. Some voiced loudly their opposition to the rules that the men had given them.

The village was soon in chaos and young Goemon had been thrust in the middle. It first started with his hair. It would be long and flowing like a woman's. Then came his mannerisms. He would be soft spoken, quiet and polite. He would handle everything with a gentle touch. No more fighting just to be violent. He would only fight for self-defense and only when talking failed and he had no other option. And then came his clothes. No more would he wear the standard hakama the other men wore. He would now wear a special one, one that no longer resembled pants, but looked more like a dress.

The leader of the village, embarrassed by what he spent so long to build had become, packed up and left. Many of the men followed his role, including Goemon's father. Goemon was now left in a village of newly transformed feminist men and masculine women. The women could finally rule the village, do things their own way, the way they thought things should have been all along.

The men that were left now took on a broader role. The new age of samurai men weren't afraid to be seen cooking or cleaning or doing the laundry. They would even go out and pick flowers, taking them home and spending time arranging them in pretty glass vases.

Goemon grew up confused. What he had been taught now no longer seemed to matter. His views of being the strong protector faded. Everyone around him seemed the same. The men washed clothes, talked and cried alongside the women. The women trained, hunted and worked alongside the men. He did as his mother told him, followed the rules the female leader wrote out, cowered when the women in the dojo would beat him with sticks.

Women had become odd creatures to him. They were no longer the kind and gentle motherly figures he once thought they were. Now they were loud and muscular and violent. They wore the same clothing and hairstyles as the men. Sometimes it was hard for Goemon to tell them apart. This caused many embarrassing moments for him in the hot springs, the women in the water seeing he still saw them as different than himself and surrounding him as they yelled at and taunted him until he would scream and run from the water.

He had many sleepless nights, shaking in fear as their taunts and laughter still echoed in his mind. It was at this point when he chose to meditate, trying to get the evil images out of his head and replace them with sweet nothingness. This took many hours, though, and he soon found it an almost all day thing.

And then one day during his early teenage years Goemon had found the perfect opportunity for escape, only taking the clothes on his back, his family's sword and a small amount of food with him. After wandering around Japan for months he found where his father had gone, the two reuniting.

With his father's help Goemon remembered what being a samurai was about, but he still had things that he couldn't let go, things that had become what he saw himself as. His long hair and his dress-like hakama he kept. He also continued to be quiet and kind. And he still loved to cook. But, he learned how to wield a sword and he learned how to fight. His meditation practices were put to better use by clearing his mind to sense what was going on around him, something that could be used in battle. Concentration was always important and his meditating was a big help.

His father had become proud of his son and continued to be proud until the day he died. Goemon would continue the great legacy of the Ishikawa family. He would be a proud warrior and someone to make the family line progress into a stronger one.

But even after all his father had done, Goemon was still affected by his mothers feminist ways. He was and would always be feminine, always be uncomfortable around women, and even through all the taunting he was subjected to, he would always put too much trust into women, never able to realize they were using him, as he still felt that common bond with them.

Goemon Ishikawa XIII could never be a true samurai male. Feminism made sure of it. And feminism would be sure to further ruin the state of the Ishikawa family name, future sons and daughters always being equals, always fighting for a free and equal world where men could be girly and women could be disgusting vile creatures that no longer resembled anything human and who had an odd fondness for holding animalistic rituals where they burned their bras.


	32. Chapter 32 : Crossovers 1

It's another Adventures In... series. I think I'll finish this one, unlike some of my previous series I sort of dropped. xP  
This will be a Lupin crossover with various things all based on Final Fantasy 7. It's been 10+ years since I played that game, but I played it enough times that I remember large chunks of it. I'll just skim walkthroughs and stuff to get what little I'll need, as this won't follow the game, but my odd version of it.  
This was born from a magical random moment when I thought of golden chocobos and was screaming it in my head. My head needs help...

* * *

**Adventures in Crossovers**

Chapter 1 - The Beginning

"Augh, dammit! I hate this damn thing!" Lupin gritted his teeth as his hands clenched tightly the controller, the plastic sounding as though it were ready to crack.  
"This game came out twelve years ago, Lupin, and you're still playing it?" Jigen wondered in slight amusement.  
"Shut up," Lupin whined at him. "I'm trying to kill all the weapons!"  
"Why? It doesn't change anything and all you get is some worthless items."  
"Says the person who never even finished the game," Goemon said from the corner of the room he sat at.  
"I have more important things to do than to play some game with a whiny storyline and a battle every three steps you take," Jigen said in defense of himself. In truth he tried to beat the weapons, too, but never could, losing interest in the whole game.  
"Uh huh, sure you do," Goemon muttered.  
"If you're not careful you're gonna end up dreaming about riding giant birds and flying in some big dumb balloon thing while chasing all around the world for some sick mother-obsessed freak."  
Lupin glared at Jigen and then continued on with the game.  
"Don't say I didn't warn you," Jigen shrugged, walking away.  
"Dream about the game," Lupin scoffed. "Like that'll happen...idiot Jigen thinking he knows everything."  
He continued playing the game for hours on end, finally falling asleep while the game sat on the save screen.  
Jigen wandered in later that night, shoving Lupin to the floor so he could have his couch back. Laying on it, he grabbed the controller and began to flip channels on the TV.  
He glanced down at Lupin as he slept, mumbling something in his sleep.

Lupin fell to the ground, growling as he stared at the two men in front of him. He grabbed his weapon, a ridiculously large sword that he could handle with ease, and ran towards them, doing them in quickly.  
Two men ran towards him, praising him for his battle skills.  
"Obviously I'm good," Lupin said arrogantly. "I was in SOLDIER, after all."  
"SOLDIER?" one of the men gasped.  
"Relax," the other said. "He's on our side now." He looked over at Lupin and smiled proudly. "So, kid, what's your name?"  
"Lupin," he answered. "And don't call me 'kid' you worthless moron."  
"Hmm," the man said as he glared at Lupin.  
"Lupin, huh?" the other man said. "I'm-"  
"You're a secondary character with no real use in the plot, so I could care less who you are. Besides, once I get what I want, I'll never see you again." He waved them off as if they were nothing and began to walk away, running into a large man with lots of gold jewelry on.  
"What are you doin', foo?!" he yelled at Lupin. "I told you not to stay in a group! Don't make me pity you!"  
Lupin looked up at the grimacing man in confusion. "Who are you?" he wondered.  
"I'm your leader, foo! Don't think just because you were in SOLDIER that you're gonna get away with things! I don't trust you! Foo!"  
"This is the leader of AVALANCHE, Mister T," one of the unimportant men said.  
Lupin yawned.  
Mister T glared at Lupin. "Listen up, foos! We're goin' in the reactor now! Gotta stop that foo Shinra from suckin' up all the earth's energy! You! SOLDIER boy! You comin' with me!"  
Lupin rolled his eyes and followed Mister T.

The small group arrived inside of one of the reactors used to suck up the planet's energy.  
"Lupin, you set the bombs!" Mister T yelled.  
'I'm surprised we haven't been found out yet with all the yelling he's doing,' Lupin thought with a sigh.  
"You don't trust me, yet you trust me enough to set off a bomb." Lupin stared in disinterest at Mister T.  
"Gotta watch you, foo, make sure you don't do anything stupid!" Mister T answered.  
"Right...." Lupin rolled his eyes and set the bombs.  
A noise was heard shortly after Lupin set the timer, Mister T and the others looking around.  
"Have fun with my little friend," Lupin laughed, running off as a giant scorpion fell from above, Mister T and the others forced to fight it.  
"Damn foo!" Mister T yelled.

Lupin ran off, meeting a flower girl on the way to the hideout of AVALANCHE, to where he wanted to steal their money.  
The girl held out the flower filled basket, various colored lupin laying inside it. "Lupin?" she asked.  
"Dammit! It's Loo-pawn! Pawn! Not pin! How many times do I have to tell you people this!" Lupin ranted as he stomped his feet and flailed his arms around.  
The flower girl cowered.  
Lupin continued to rant as he took off, leaving a scared and shaken up flower girl.

Lupin jumped off a bridge, running from Shinra Soldiers. Below him was a fast moving train, landing on it with ease.  
Inside Mister T spoke with the others. All were in bandages and beat up looking.  
"Damn city with a damn pizza coverin' it! I pity the foo who put that up there!" Mister T ranted, the others glancing at each other.  
"Mmmm, pizza," Lupin said as he stood at the head of the car. "You're making me hungry, Mister T."  
"SOLDIER boy!" Mister T screamed as he stood. "I pity the day you were born!" He pointed angrily at Lupin.  
"Whatever," Lupin shrugged. "Just came to give you a heads up that once you get back to your hideout, there will be nothing left. Thanks for being so trusting." He grinned and waved.  
"Foo!" Mister T yelled as he lunged at Lupin.  
Lupin only laughed as he fired a device out the window, shattering the glass. The device caught and pulled Lupin through the window.  
Mister T ran to the window and looked out. He sputtered and spat in anger, the only thing coming out being a long cry of "PITY!!!"

"Cloud!" a large breasted woman yelled happily when Lupin broke into the hideout.  
"Who?" Lupin wondered.  
"Oh, sorry," the woman said. "It's just that you look like someone who reminds me of someone else. Although I'm sort of confused on all of that, but..." She rambled on.  
Lupin leered at her, grabbing a wrench and hitting her over the head, deciding to steal her, too.  
When he left the hideout everything was gone. Even all the food in the fridge was eaten, the fridge then shoved out the window. Along with the couch and the TV and all the beds.  
Satisfied, Lupin grabbed his haul, draping the woman over his shoulder, leaving the place behind.  
"Where to next?" he wondered as he wandered aimlessly.


	33. Chapter 33 : Crossovers 2

Billy Mays is awesome. :3 I always yell out "Billy!" when his commercials come on. Good times, good times. Caffeine is wearing off. No fair.... Oh, the random people in this have to do with the fact that Jigen is watching TV while Lupin is sleeping, so certain things from the TV are entering Lupin's dream. I hate when that happens. It's always so odd... Ugh, these new setting placement stuff is a bitch. Where the hell is everything?? See? Change is bad. Very bad. Rawr...

* * *

**Adventures in Crossovers 2  
**

Chapter 2 - The Promise

As Lupin walked he began to notice people following him. He took different paths, but more and more came until he was completely surrounded.  
Lupin smirked when he saw a familiar man approach him. "Long time no see, president."  
President Zenigata glared at him. "So, Lupin, we meet again. What's a traitor like you doing in a place like this?"  
"That was a really bad line," Lupin groaned.  
"I know," Zenigata said, looking ashamed. "The bad guys always seems to get the most horrible lines."  
"Yeah. Why is that?"  
"I don't know, but look at this," Zenigata said as he pulled out his script, going over it with Lupin.  
"And such a waste of good fireworks, just to get rid of vermin like you…?" Lupin read from the script, laughing heartily afterwards. "Oh man, that is really bad!"  
Zenigata growled, snatching the script from Lupin and placing it back in his jacket. "Enough about that, though. I'm here to finally arrest you, Lupin!"  
"Uh, pops, I think you have the wrong script."  
"Oh, yeah." He glared at Lupin, taking out the script and skimming it. "Let's see....where are we...oh. Lupin, you will never be as good as Goemon, the best SOLDIER Soldier that SOLDIER has ever had! Mwahahaha!"  
He stopped laughing and looked at Lupin, only to find he was no longer there. "LUPIN!" he screamed.

'Goemon', Lupin thought as he stared off. 'I remember his name, but who was he?'  
He kept walking, not noticing where he was going and ending up walking off a cliff, falling down into the slums below him.  
Screaming, he crashed down onto a stone roof, falling through it and into the room.  
When the dust settled, he looked around, noticing the flower girl underneath him.  
"Thank goodness that flower girl broke my fall. Teach her for mispronouncing my name..."  
He stood and brushed himself off.  
"Lupin!"  
Lupin jumped as the large breasted girl popped up right next to him. "Lupin, Lupin, Lupin!" she said quickly, bouncing with every syllable. "Let's go shopping! You wanna go shopping? Ooh what's that over there? What's this? Ooh!"  
Annoyed, Lupin pulled out a frying pan and hit her over the head.  
"Hey, you're the scary man from before."  
Lupin turned, amazed to see the flower girl standing and staring at him. "Shouldn't you have died?"  
"Nope. I die later on. It's more dramatic that way."  
"Right..."  
"She's in here!" a man yelled as he stood in the doorway of the building.  
"Someone's after you?" Lupin asked, looking back at the flower girl. "Hey!" he yelled, watching as the girl took off, the large breasted woman slung over her left shoulder.  
"Where'd she go?" one of the men asked as he ran up to Lupin.  
"Who are you?" Lupin wondered.  
"Us? We're the Turks! Now where did that girl go?"  
"Turks?" Lupin said, staring off in thought, a smile coming to his face. "Mmmm....turkey..."  
"Forget him!" another man yelled, taking the lead, the group running past Lupin and out the back door of the building.

"Where are you?" Lupin said as he scanned the town, noticing a large crowd surrounding the front of a shop, a man's loud voice towering over the crowds murmuring.  
"Hmm?" Curious, Lupin approached, pushing his way through the crowd to see a bearded man in a big white suit portraying some odd hideous Japanese creation. In his hand he held an orange rag, using it to suck up some water in a bowl.  
"This next item," he yelled, his voice making the windows rattle, his right hand grabbing a small mechanical cat as he tossed the bowl of water and rag over his shoulder with his left, never missing a beat on his selling pitch.  
"Sheesh, the thing's they'll do to sell crappy items these days," Lupin muttered as he rolled his eyes.  
"Wanna buy a cat?!"  
Lupin jumped as the bearded man appeared right behind him.  
"Billy Mays here," the man yelled, Lupin noticing the crowd escaping. "I'm gonna tell you about this amazing new product! If it wasn't amazing, I wouldn't be selling it!"  
"I'm not interested," Lupin mumbled as he shoved Billy away.  
"The amazing Cait Sith!" Billy continued. "It can dance and sing and do all sorts of crazy things!"  
"Gah!" Lupin screamed as he ran, unable to lose Billy as the man moved quite well in the large white blob of a costume.  
"Lupin!" the large breasted woman yelled happily, she and the flower girl standing side by side, behind them a towering mess of packaged merchandise.  
"Since you're the man, you get to carry all of these things," the flower girl smiled.  
Lupin instead dove into the pile, peaking out behind a box as Billy ran on by.

Meanwhile, somewhere else...  
"Oh, mommy," Goemon, the greatest SOLDIER soldier whined as he hugged a large metal tube, his exceptionally long sword held firmly in his left hand as his long black girly hair swayed in the non-existing wind.  
"Oh, mommy, why does it have to be this way?"  
He stepped back, staring at the odd face that stared back at him through the small circle of glass.  
He placed his hand on the glass as a single tear ran down his face.  
"It's all his fault," Goemon cried in anger. "It's all that....Lupin's fault you are the way you are. I will never get to hold you, never get to ..... kiss you ...." The longer he talked the more his voice broke until he couldn't go on any longer.  
"I promise," he growled in an almost whisper. "I promise he will pay for this."  
Goemon turned, his eyes closed as he bowed his head.  
"He will pay for what he did to my mommy!" he screamed, opening his eyes to have the others with him staring at him in amusement.  
"Stop laughing at me!" Goemon whined loudly as he stomped down the steps and shoved his way past them.  
The men burst out in laughter, unable to hold it in.  
Angered, Goemon pulled out his sword and killed them from an astonishing ten feet away.  
"This sword....is gigantic!" he said in happy wonderment, sluffing the blood from the blade and sheathing it before happily skipping off.

Back in town....  
Lupin collapsed under the weight of all the various sized boxes and bags, all carrying the women's clothing.  
"Lupin!" both women yelled in anger.  
"What?!" he shouted as he dug his way out of the mountain of materials, the clothes now strewn all over the place.  
"Our clothes!" the flower girl gasped.  
"All that dirt and grime can be removed with Ocksy Kleen!" Billy screamed as he popped up behind the women, who jumped in fright.  
"Get out of here, Billy!" Lupin yelled.  
"You don't want to see a demo?" Billy yelled.  
"No!" Lupin yelled back.  
Billy mays sighed and sulked away.  
"By the way," Lupin wondered, "I never got your names..."  
"Clothes, clothes, clothes," the large breasted woman sang out as she swam in the sea of fabric.  
"Right..." Lupin stared at the flower girl.  
"I'm just a flower girl."  
"You...don't have a name? Or were your parents just sick people?"  
"I didn't know my parents."  
"Oh." Lupin tried not to feel sorry for her, but he just had to. A little.  
"Hey, we should get to know each other better, for dramatical purposes," the flower girl said as her eyes got larger.  
"I thought you said you die later on," Lupin said suspiciously. "So, why would I want to know anything about you if you're just gonna die?"  
"Because it'll add to the dramatical purposes!" she answered in an eerily chipper way.  
"Really..."  
"Oh yes. Just imagine, everyone gets to know me and they become enthralled in my story and then, bang, I die. The end." She shrugged and smiled.  
"For...for dramatical purposes, right?"  
"Yup!"  
"You disturb me."  
"Disturbed?" Billy yelled as he held up a bottle.  
Lupin took the bottle, eating all of it's contents as he walked by, leaving everyone behind, but knowing he would never be rid of them.


	34. Chapter 34 : Giving Up

I only really had the idea for the end, so I wanted to get that put in here. zomgsongficlolz

Not the complete song, as I got bored with this quickly. You can decide what you want to be going on in this thing.

I'm also too lazy to fix the double space thing. =D Oh, wait, copy and paste. ~heart~

* * *

**Adventures in Giving Up**

Jigen was startled awake, gasping for breath as the nightmares continued. Holding his head with shaky hands, he tried to calm himself.  
"It was only a dream," he kept reminding himself, but even knowing that wasn't enough.  
Sitting on the edge of the couch, he reached inside of his jacket and pulled out a cigarette, placing it gently between his lips.  
He never lit it, though, just stared off, the radio playing in the other room filling the small apartment with music.  
"It was only a dream," he sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back as the images kept playing over and over in his mind.

Wake in a sweat again  
Another day's been laid to waste  
In my disgrace

He got to his feet and walked to the kitchen, grabbing the half full bottle of whisky on the counter and unscrewing the lid. Bringing the head of the bottle to his lips he paused and stared off.  
Images quickly filled his mind. A gun going off, a distressed woman, a falling body and lot of blood, more blood than he remembered.  
"It's just. A fucking. Dream!" He screamed out the last word as he hurled the bottle across the room, not bothering to watch it explode on contact, glass and liquid spraying all over and falling to the floor.

Stuck in my head again  
Feels like I'll never leave this place  
There's no escape

He walked back to the couch, almost collapsing on it as he held his face in his hands.  
"Everything will be okay," he told himself. "I just have to think of something else. Something that doesn't involve that dream."  
He cringed, knowing that reminding himself about it wasn't going to help any.

I'm my own worst enemy

He looked up as the door opened, a solemn Lupin strolling in. "Hey," he said lowly.  
"How is she?" Jigen wondered as he went back to staring at the floor.  
"Pretty pissed off. Goemon isn't too happy with you, either. And to be honest, I don't know what to think."  
Jigen sighed. "It was an accident."  
"Accident?" Lupin said in disbelief. "You knew what the hell you were doing, Jigen! Stop saying otherwise!"  
Jigen felt lower than he had been. He knew Lupin was right. He did know what he was doing. Sure he was drunk, but he wasn't that drunk. And now the two people he felt closest to were mad at him.  
He really couldn't care about what Fujiko thought. He hated that bitch anyway.  
But Lupin and Goemon.... losing them would be too much. The pain would be unbearable.

I've given up  
I'm sick of feeling  
Is there nothing you can say

"Fujiko has been crying all day," Lupin said in anger. "I thought that maybe you'd come to your senses, but I guess I was wrong."  
'It was all just a dream.... wasn't it?'  
"Are you even listening to me? Hey! Jigen!" Lupin glared at him, letting out a growl of frustration. "You know what? Forget it. I'm done with you. Whatever the hell your problem is, fix it! You really do need help!"  
Jigen looked up, upset as Lupin stomped off and slammed the door behind him. "How can I fix something that isn't broken?" he asked.

Take this all away  
I'm suffocating  
Tell me what the fuck is wrong  
With me

He stood once again, walking into the bathroom and staring at himself in the mirror.  
Who had he become? Where was the man he used to be? And how could he get him back?  
The longer he thought the more annoyed he became.  
He didn't know any of the answers no matter how hard he tried.  
"God dammit," he growled. "I can't take any more of this shit."  
He reached behind him and pulled out his gun, lifting it up and holding it with shaking hands, finally able to pull the trigger.

Goddddddd!!!!  
Put me out of my misery  
Put me out of my misery  
Put me out of my  
Put me out of my fucking misery

Everything seemed to stop as nothing but silence filled the apartment.  
Towards the end of the short hall, across from the open bathroom door, sat what was left of the radio, now laying partially on the floor, a large hole through the center of it.  
"I hate that fucking song," Jigen muttered, now able to concentrate on his problems without some adult millionaire celebrity screaming about how hard everything is and wanting to die.  
"Damn emo bitches," he said as he left the bathroom, once again left to his own thoughts, pausing as he wondered what he was even worrying about.  
Unable to think of it, he shrugged it off and decided to go to the nearest bar and get smashed.


	35. Chapter 35 : Crossovers 3

=O I actually finished this chapter. To tell the truth, I'm getting bored with it. I'm more amused writing Billy than anything else. =\ There will probably be two more chapters of this crossover thing. Fujiko has to watch some TV and then some sort of ending.

* * *

**Adventures in Crossovers 3**

Chapter 3 - More Stuff

Lupin led the way through vast fields filled with way too many things to fight. He finally found out the large breasted woman's name was Fujiko, the flower girl still refusing to say her name. And so, he called her Pansy, since she always hid whenever it was time to fight. That or she threw flowers at the enemies, which was of no help at all and only seemed to anger them.  
Five weeks later they finally traveled the two miles to their next location, Lupin standing in the entrance in complete disbelief.  
"B-but.... th-thi... th-this is where we just were!!" he sputtered as it was indeed the town they had just left.  
"Ooh, more customers," Billy said excitedly and, in un-Billy-like fashion, in almost a whisper. He ran off, wanting to rid himself of the mechanical cat, which he was getting bored with.  
"Hmm?" Lupin looked away from Billy and towards Pansy, who was walking off by herself. "Hey, where're you going?" Lupin wondered, running to catch up, Fujiko tagging along.  
They ended up heading back to the place Lupin had crashed through earlier.  
Lupin looked around as they kept walking, going further back into the long narrow room, to where a small pond-like body of water sat.  
"Ooh water!" Fujiko said excitedly as she ran towards the small pond. "It's so cold and wet and wonderful and-"  
Lupin chucked a Tonberry at her head, knocking her out and then having to drag her out of the water.  
Pansy walked into the water, Lupin standing and watching in great disinterest.  
"What are you doing?" he asked, not knowing why he asked, or why they were even there, wherever 'there' was. "And what is this place?"  
Pansy didn't answer, just stood in the water, as if waiting for something.  
Suddenly a laugh sounded in the distance, getting louder with every second.  
"About time he got here," Pansy muttered under her breath as she rolled her eyes.  
Lupin looked up as Goemon fell from the sky, his long sword pointed down at the flower girl. "Look out!" he yelled, reaching out towards her, which did no good as he was standing a good twenty feet away.  
Lupin watched in horror as Goemon's sword pierced through her entire body, the flower girl dying in a very odd and awkward way as she sort of fell and floated in the water.  
"Noooooooooo!" Lupin yelled as he fell to his knees and raised his clenched fists towards the sky.  
Goemon laughed evilly and pulled his sword from Pansy's dead body. He then jumped away and landed on the other side of the small pond.  
"Oooooooooooooooo!" Lupin continued.  
Goemon's laugh and sinister smile faded as he stared in annoyance at Lupin, waiting for him to finish.  
"Ooooooooooo!" Lupin finished, his hands falling to the ground and clutching at the stone floor.  
Billy Mays, who had wandered in just minutes earlier, looked up from playing with his mechanical cat, which he still couldn't get rid of, wondering what was going on but shrugging it off as he went back to playing around.  
"Are you finished?" Goemon asked.  
Lupin looked up and then casually got to his feet. "Quite."  
"Good," Goemon said, his sinister smile returning. "We end this now," he said, pointing the sword at Lupin, but being too close and the sword passing Lupin and pointing at the wall.  
An awkward silence then followed as Goemon backed up a few feet, now able to position the sword at Lupin's face.  
Billy's eyes sparkled.  
"We end what?" Lupin wondered.  
"I will get my revenge for what you did to my mommy!" Goemon shook as anger filled him, getting angrier as Lupin held in his laughter. "Stop laughing at me!" Goemon screamed in a high pitched girly voice.  
Lupin burst out laughing.  
"Graw!!" Goemon yelled out, pulling his sword back, but stopping as Billy popped up in front of him and got in his face.  
"Hi, Billy Mays here!" he yelled with a large and frightening smile as he slowly lifted up a package. "Tired of dull swords and products that just can't do the job you want? Well, just a few swipes with the Blade Sharpy and your sword will be as good as new!" He grabbed Goemon's sword before Goemon knew what had happened and started to sharpen it. "Now your sword can cut anything!" He slammed the sword down on a nearby stone bench, the sword shattering into a thousand pieces. Without missing a beat, Billy continued with his sales pitch. "And if you buy it now I'll throw in metal polisher for absolutely free!" He lifted a small bottle with the other hand.  
Goemon looked down at his shattered sword, quivering as tears filled his eyes.  
"And I'll throw in this Cait Sith for absolutely free!" Billy yelled, seeing he was losing Goemon's attention.  
Seeing an opening, Lupin grabbed Fujiko and Billy and dragged both of them along as he ran out of the building and into the busy streets.

The presidents henchmen covering the town, it wasn't long before a fight ensued, Lupin pulling out his sword and getting ready to fight.  
The guards were easily defeated, others chasing the group through the streets.  
Seeing a building ahead, Lupin ran inside, where he encountered more men and more battles.  
'Wait a second,' Lupin thought, staring blankly at the sword after he finished defeating the last group of men. 'If this is a dream, then why couldn't I have something else to fight with?'  
He thought long and hard, most things he thought of not appearing. Thinking more simpler, he smiled as the weapons appeared, grabbing them and looking ahead at a room that was labeled as being a lab.  
Smirking, he started forward as the others followed.  
Storming inside the lab with a sawed-off shotgun in each hand, Lupin blew apart everything around him.  
'Infinite ammo? Nice' he thought with a grin as he continued his unnecessary destructive violence.  
Billy Mays and Fujiko stood still and quiet behind him.  
"What's this?" Lupin wondered, walking up to a table with a round white and red ball on it. He poked it with his gun, the ball opening and a bright light bursting from inside.  
"Ahhh! My eyes!" Lupin held his arm to his face, his other arm pointing around and shooting random places.  
Billy Mays and Fujiko ducked behind an overturned table, the ultimate protection against gun fire.  
Lupin stopped shooting and blinked a few times, regaining his vision and staring at the cat-like creature in front of him.  
'A Persian?' he wondered to himself. 'Goemon must be watching TV...' Lupin rolled his eyes and wondered when Goemon would ever grow up.  
The Persian flicked it's tail around as it sat, acting quite calm even after all the random shooting. Appearing to smile, it stood and walked towards Lupin.  
"I want to thank you for freeing me from that ghastly bloody ball," it said, for some reason having a British accent. "My name is Crimson XVIII. Please, let me help you on your quest. However long and treacherous the journey may be, I will always fight by your side."  
"Um....o-okay," Lupin said, looking around unsure of what was going on.  
"Jewelry!" Fujiko yelled, running towards Crimson XVIII and trying to pry the jewel off it's head.  
"Are your precious rocks dull and dirty?" Billy yelled. "Get new Shine and Bright gem cleaner!"  
"Oh my god," Lupin groaned as he decided to just walk away from the strange scene going on behind him, Fujiko trying to pry the jewel off while Billy tried to clean it, Crimson XVIII helpless as the two sat on him.  
"I don't know how this can get any worse," Lupin said as he left the lab. "But somehow I know it will."

Meanwhile, up in the sky in the southern hemisphere, another frustration was headed towards Lupin.


	36. Chapter 36 : Odd Conversation

This was written as a joke, but since it's something I really don't enjoy writing I couldn't quite bring myself to write it as how I first envisioned it. But I guess if you never knew how it was supposed to be at first, then it wouldn't be as weird. I just confused myself. =D

And they're in a car on a stakeout or something, just so you know the setting going into it. xD

And the Crossover story, I will force myself to finish it. To me Billy Mays was the star and since his death it's weird for me to add him into things. So, out of respect, I won't. But one of these days, it will get done. =3

* * *

**Adventures in Odd Conversation**

"Hey Jigen."

"Hmm."

"Do..." he started, the word drawn out until it eventually faded. "Do you ever, I don't know, get attracted to guys who look like women you're attracted to?"

Jigen kept the expressionless look on his face as he slowly rolled his eyes over to his left, to where Lupin sat. "Huh?"

"You know, like if there was some guy with a thin frame and long blond hair and-"

"Just stop, Lupin."

"What?" Lupin wondered innocently, knowing full well why he was told to stop.

"You're creeping me out and, honestly, I'm about five seconds from leaving this car and never seeing you again."

"It was just a question, geez," Lupin muttered as he rolled his eyes.

"Okay, then let me ask you the same thing," Jigen said, annoyed at Lupin's assumption that it was "just a question".

"I don't care," Lupin said as he slouched down in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest.

"So, a guy resembling Fujiko would give you an erection?"

"I wouldn't go that far. Maybe I'd give him a second look, but that's about it."

"Figures, this coming from a guy who takes jobs where he dresses as women and then exploits rich men." Jigen shook his head slightly as he reached in his jacket for the pack of cigarettes he always kept in his pocket.

"You talk like I do it all the time," Lupin said in annoyance.

"Once is enough. Seriously, doesn't that strike you as weird?" Jigen placed a cigarette between his lips, knowing that lighting it could jeopardize their mission and making do without.

"Not really. Besides, it's not like I ever let it get too far. I just do it because I have to."

"You have to.... Right...."

"Shut up," Lupin muttered as he glared off at the building in front of them.

"How far does it get?"

"What?"

"When you're with a guy, how far do you let it get?"

"Well, obviously not that far, since it'd be really easy for my cover to be blown."

"What's the farthest it's ever gone?"

"Geez, what is this, an interrogation?"

"You brought it up," Jigen shrugged.

"Yeah, and you never answered my question."

"My answer is no, if my first reply wasn't obvious enough."

"Fine, I guess it's settled then. Can we drop this now?"

"Not until you answer my question," Jigen grinned, glancing over at Lupin. "So, what happened?" He hated the fact that he found this amusing, but it wasn't like he was the one who had started the conversation.

Lupin was silent as he stared off, his mind thinking about that night, the darkness inside the vehicle hiding the smile that came to his face.

"Well?" Jigen prodded.

Lupin laughed. "It's like you want me to tell you I slept with some guy."

"Please tell me you didn't..." The conversation suddenly wasn't so amusing for Jigen, who now had disturbing images in his head, ones he wished weren't there.

"A guy kissed me," Lupin said, blowing it off as if it were no big deal. "It was sort of a surprise thing that caught me off guard."

"Oh... Well, I guess that isn't as bad as it could have been."

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Lupin laughed, turning his head to the side and staring at Jigen. He quickly looked away as the memories came back, of he disguised as a large breasted blond embracing a drunk Jigen, the two making out passionately during the elevator ride up to Jigen's room.

Lupin did it partly out of curiosity but mainly because he wanted it, needing to feel the warm embrace of the man he had grown feelings for. Knowing that Jigen didn't go for men, it was the only shot he had, to take advantage of him while in a drunken stupor.

He didn't plan for it to go as far as it did, though, afraid that Jigen would find out and never speak to him again.

Luckily for Lupin, Jigen passed out the second he hit the bed.

"What'd you do?" Jigen asked.

Lupin jumped upon hearing Jigen's voice. "Huh?"

Jigen looked at Lupin suspiciously, sensing the complete change in demeanor. "When you said kiss, how much of a kiss are we talking about?"

"A small kiss on the lips," he answered with a nervous laugh. "What do you think I meant?"

Jigen looked away, not sure how he should feel, Lupin once seeming believable, but now obviously lying about it. Thinking, he grinned and looked over at Lupin. "Did it give you an erection?"

"Screw you," Lupin said.

"I was just kidding," Jigen laughed.

"You think I liked it?" Lupin asked in anger.

"I never said you did. And I say we drop this conversation."

"Fine with me," Lupin muttered.

In a way, Lupin was sad at Jigen's complete disgust at the thoughts of being attracted to a man, but he knew that expecting otherwise was wishful thinking. He was happy to have gotten what he did. And even if the love he got back was from a drunk and horny man, it was a drunk and horny man that he loved. And to Lupin, that was all that mattered.


	37. Chapter 37 : The Guest

This popped in my head twenty minutes ago and I thought it was really funny for some reason. Although, once again, I couldn't come up with an ending, so I ended it at my last thought. I wish it would be winter already... I want cereal.

* * *

**Adventures in the Guest  
**

The doorbell of the suite rang, or rather it's melancholy tone chimed throughout the... well, you get the point.

Lupin glanced at Jigen, Jigen glancing at Lupin, both wondering if the other was expecting someone.

They knew better than to think Goemon had called someone up, as nobody liked him.

Lupin walked to the door and peered out of the peephole, gasping in horror as he looked away, his body stiff as he leaned against the door.

"What is-?" Jigen had started before Lupin sprung from the door, grabbing Jigen and taking both to the other side of the room.

"Dear God in Heaven, Jigen!" Lupin said in a loud whisper. "I told you he'd come for us! I told you to follow what that pamphlet said! Why didn't you, man?!" By this point Lupin had grabbed Jigen's jacket and was shaking him back and forth.

Jigen was not amused. He didn't know why everything was his fault. It just wasn't fair.

"How do you know Goemon didn't cause whatever the hell you're freaking out about?" Jigen asked as he shoved Lupin away.

Jigen started towards the couch. It was the one place he felt secure.

"Because!" Lupin said in a long drawn out whine. "If I blame him he'll cut me in half! Don't you get it?!"

Jigen didn't, but decided to drop it. "Who's at the door, anyway?" he wondered, almost forgetting about it until the doorbell rang again.

"It's... it's Al Gore!" Lupin said as he bit his nails in fear.

"Holy shit! Why didn't you say something before?!" By this time Jigen was already back to his feet, both he and Lupin panicked and trying to find an escape.

"What do we do, Jigen? What do we do?!" If it were any other time, Lupin would have been ashamed at his voice sounding like some scared schoolgirl.

This was different. This was Al Gore. They weren't messing around.

Fujiko walked out from the bathroom, stopping and staring in confusion as Lupin and Jigen held each other tightly, both sobbing and muttering incoherently.

The doorbell rang again, Fujiko looking away from the train wreck and smiling at the door. "That must be my date," she said happily.

Lupin and Jigen stopped sobbing and looked at her, neither very amused. Realizing they were emitting homosexual waves, they separated.

"This never happened," Lupin said seriously.

"Right," Jigen agreed.

"Oh, Al," Fujiko said as she opened the door.

Al smiled and said she looked lovely, throwing out some green remark as a compliment which Fujiko didn't get, but gladly accepted.

Lupin and Jigen stared at the door as it closed.

"You know what this means, don't you?" Jigen said.

Lupin nodded. "We have to kill her, burn her and then throw her ashes in acid."

Jigen looked at Lupin with a confused look. "I was gonna say we're free of Fujiko for the night, but your idea sounds pretty damn good."

"It's the only way..." Lupin muttered as his eyes stayed on the door. "The only way to save her from Al Gore..."


	38. Chapter 38 : Voice Acting

I know Jigen voice acting guy (yes, that's what I call him cuz I'm awesome) is Richard something or other. And annoying 7-11 voice acting guy who is in every godammed fucking thing and who I hate more than Al Gore, I don't know his name. Blume, Blum, HeythereI'mafuckingretard? Whatever. And this only has to do with Lupin because of Jigen voice acting guy. But I'm in the mood to rip The Ass, oh, I'm sorry mister ego fuck, The Voice, so Ima writin' this here thang. And because I'm bored.

And this has language. Not as much as Adventures in Swearing, but it has unnecessary bits here and there and spaces in between.

* * *

**Adventures in Voice Actors**

Annoying 7-11 voice acting guy was walking down the street. In all his bigheadedness, he was actually strutting. While being dressed as Spike. (Can't think of another character he voiced. xD) Dressed that way to stroke his own ego.

"A park," he sang out in his dull and dreaded voice, one which made some passerbys jump out in front of speeding buses.

He happily skipped to the park.

Also walking to the park was Jigen voice acting guy, dressed as Jigen because Jigen is an awesome character and kicks ass. And because he lost a bet. But more because Jigen is fucking awesome.

The two stopped, face to face, even though they stood a good twenty feet away.

'God damn, that fuckers head is huge,' Jigen voice acting guy thought as he backed away from the grotesque mans mouth breathing, one which made squirrels fall dead from the trees.

"Why hello thar!" annoying ass said as he tried to be funny, but completely failed as Jigen guy glared down at the others disfigured bald head.

Annoying guy obviously missed the point of a wig.

"I challenge you to a voice-off!" annoying guy sang out, birds committing suicide just at the sound.

Jigen guy, standing in all his tall fucking glory, gave the thing before him a confused glance.

"I.... I really don't-"

"Come on, guy," grotesqueman said in his only one known voice, which is oddly his normal speaking voice.

'How in the hell does this talentless hack get any jobs?' Jigen guy wondered.

Jigen guy, annoying by the mouth breathers presence, agreed, if only to get rid of him.

The two went on, annoying guy having an easy time going through his voices, naming off random characters.

Jigen guy didn't know if any of the names were actual characters.

"Tinkerbell!" the ass shouted.

"Okay, now you're just making shit up." Jigen guy was now pissed. And you don't piss off Jigen guy.

But before he could beat The Ass to a pulp a group of annoying ass fans surrounded him, all shrieking at a level only dogs could hear.

'Well, that explains all those dogs throwing themselves in front of cars...' Jigen guy thought. He lowered his hat and walked off, wanting to just get as far away as he could from the annoying asstards and the king of all asses.

As he walked away he heard the shrieks of the fans as they presented annoying 7-11 voice acting guy with an award for the most horrible, talentless, worthless voice actor of all time.

Jigen guy smiled. He didn't have as big a resume, but at least he didn't have that award.

And for a tall ass motherfucker like him, that was all that mattered.


	39. Chapter 39 : Random Unfinished Crap

In the beginning of 2008 I got the idea to do a sketch comic. A Lupin sketch comic, of course. (Is there any other kind? xD) It would all be based on stuff gotten from random sites and it would be fantasy based. I had a set of rules I created for myself to make it challenging, which isn't important to spell out. I think that was about when I started the first version of the Lupin Grail comic, so this idea got tossed out. I had actually forgotten about it until I just ran across this story just now. And I found it so dumb I thought I'd post it. xD

Sites I got the stuff from, since they should get credit for the random stuff:

Random names and title ideas gotten from Seventh Sanctum  
Story plots from Errant Dreams

* * *

**Adventures in Random Unfinished Crap**

The Realm of Summoners

"This is your fault!" Lupin yelled, he, Jigen, Goemon, Fujiko and Zenigata running down a museum hallway.  
"My fault?" Zenigata growled. "I'm here because of you, so that would make it your fault!"  
"And we're here to steal a painting, so would that mean it's really Van Gogh's fault?" Goemon pondered.  
"But he's dead, so we can't really blame him," Jigen said.  
"Yeah, but it was Lupin's idea to steal the painting, so it is his fault," Fujiko said.  
"You came along, so it's your fault you're here," Lupin said.  
"Then, whose fault is it that we're here?" Goemon and Jigen looked at each other.  
There was then a rumble that grew louder by the second, the five looking back to the large fireball that was headed towards them. They ran to the end of the hall, to a locked door.  
"Hurry, Lupin!" Fujiko begged.  
"I'm hurrying!" he said, shouldering the door when he couldn't get it open.  
"Let me try!" Jigen said, shooting the lock, but doing no damage.  
"Move," Goemon said, striking at the door with his sword, also doing no damage.  
"Aw, shi-" Zenigata said as he stood and stared expressionless, the flames enveloping them.

Lupin groaned as he opened his eyes, quickly getting to his feet and looking around. He stood in the middle of a meadow, everything green and bright on a sunny day. Small colorful flowers scattered the meadow, where ponies and unicorns and gnomes and elves and bunnies and kittens all pranced and played, a rainbow shining brightly in the sky.  
Jigen, Goemon and Fujiko then woke up, all three looking around them.  
"Are we...dead?" Fujiko wondered.  
Lupin shrugged. "If so, it's not so bad, I guess."  
"We've died," Jigen said. "....and ended up in hell...."  
Goemon looked with uncertainty as a pony nudged him happily.

Meanwhile....

Zenigata woke up in a deserted and desolate land. He got to his feet and looked around. "Lupin? Lupin!" He got no response and began to wander, happening on an old tree stump.  
Sitting on the tree stump was a gray squirrel, the black hooded robe it wore covering it's face in shadow. "So, you have arrived."  
Zenigata was slightly frightened at the talking rodent.  
"I have been waiting for you," the squirrel said. "My name is Caeth. I am the second in command of The Wastes, where you stand."  
Zenigata looked around. "How did....I get here?"  
"Faelingot chose you."  
"Faelingot?"  
Caeth sighed. "Faelingot is our supreme master. He chooses people to rule his domain, The Wastes. On the other side of those mountains is another land, the place of our enemy." Caeth pointed towards the dark craggy mountains in the distance.

"A talking rat...." Jigen said, the four standing in front of an old looking brown rat in medieval type clothes.  
"My name is Unaz, Unaz the Great. I am glad to see you have arrived safely."  
"Where are we?" Fujiko wondered as she looked around.  
"You are in The Grove," Unaz answered. "Faelingot chose you."  
"Faelingot?" Lupin asked.  
"Faelingot is our savior. He chooses those to lead our land in troubled times. There, beyond those mountains, is The Wastes." Unaz pointed to the tall tree covered mountains in the distance. "Their leader is planning an attack on us."  
"And what are we supposed to do about it," Jigen wondered in disinterest.  
"You are to stop it," Unaz said simply.  
"And what happens if we don't?" Lupin asked.  
"You won't get to return back home and you will live out your life here, where you will have let all the evils imaginable rule."  
"Home?" Lupin asked. "Wait a second, are we dead or something? Where are we?"  
"You are in our land, the Realm of Summoners," Unaz answered. "And you still live, but if you fail, then you will die. We will all die."  
The four looked at each other, unsure of what they had been told.  
"Okay, so what do we do to get back home, then?" Lupin smirked, ready for whatever challenges lay ahead.

"You must cross the mountains and lead your army into The Grove," Caeth said.

"Defeating the new leader of The Waste and taking their castle will lead you to victory," Unaz said.

"Victory will lead you back home," Unaz and Caeth both said.

"In order for you to be a true leader of The Wastes, you must be blessed with Faelingot's unholy powers." Caeth grinned evilly and raised his hands up.  
Zenigata looked up as lightening filled the sky.  
"You shall now be Zenigata, Thief Slayer," Caeth said, lightening shooting down.  
Zenigata screamed as he was hit with the lightening, his outfit transforming into armored plates of red and black.  
The volts that filled him ceased and he fell to his hands and knees, looking over his new armor when he noticed it.  
"Your target, the leader of The Grove." Caeth held his hands up, a fog forming above him as images began to appear.

"Now, you shall be blessed with Faelingot's holy powers," Unaz said, putting his hands together and praying.  
Bright rays of light shot down, enveloping the four.  
"Lupin, the Pornographer," Unaz said as the light died, leaving Lupin with a new outfit.  
"Pornographer?" Lupin asked excitedly.  
"It isn't what it seems," Unaz said to Lupin's disappointment.  
"Goemon, Bonsai Samurai."  
"Bonsai is very calming," Goemon said.  
"Right...." Unaz gave him an odd look. "Jigen, Haberdasher Hellknight."  
"Do I get special Hellknight powers?" Jigen asked happily.  
"No, you wear a hat. Of course you get special Hellknight powers." Unaz groaned and rolled his eyes. "And finally, Fujiko, Psychotic Witch."  
"I get witch-like powers, right?" she asked.  
"Uh, no, you're just psychotic."  
Jigen laughed at this, getting a glare from Fujiko.

"Lupin?" Zenigata blurted out when he saw him in the fog.  
"You must defeat him in order to return home," Caeth said with an evil smile.  
Zenigata glared off towards the mountains.  
"But first, you must be given a weapon to help you in this task." Caeth lowered his hands, the fog disappearing. Before him a bolt of lighting hit, leaving behind a weapon. "The Octoshooter," he said.  
Zenigata glanced down and picked up the weapon, a large black gun with eight barrels which rotated when shot, a sort of mini gattling gun, but even more powerful.

"The Gunpistol," Unaz said, light shining down on Lupin's Walther and changing it into another gun.  
Lupin held it in his hands, getting a feel for it.  
"The Wingsword."  
Goemon's sword changed drastically.  
"The Crowd Control Cannon."  
Jigen looked on, very happy when his magnum transformed into an even larger and more impractical gun.  
"And, The Broadwhipper."  
Fujiko looked on in confusion as a whip appeared before her.  
"Wait," Lupin said. "How did your gun become a whip?"  
"I lost my gun at the museum," she said.  
"Default weapon," Jigen said with a smirk.  
"If you wouldn't mind," Unaz said, "I would like to travel with you."  
"Fine by me," Lupin said, Unaz scrambling up to his shoulder. "So, where do we go first?"  
"East, to the town of Lepoivio," Unaz said as he pointed towards trees in the distance. "Beyond the forest. My brother lives in the tavern. He may have some information for us about The Wastes."  
Lupin nodded, all heading towards the forest, making their way through it and eventually standing in front of a small town.  
They looked around as they walked through, finally getting to their destination.  
"The Wealthy Princess' Hall," Jigen muttered, the place not looking wealthy or a place a princess would hang out.  
"Come," Unaz said, jumping from Lupin's shoulder and scurrying inside.  
They followed him in.  
"Sit down and have a drink while I find my brother." Unaz smiled and ran off.  
He ran into a crack in the far wall behind the bar, sneaking past the bartenders one-eyed cat, Oce.  
Inside the wall was a decorated room, the small bed in the far corner housing a sleeping rat.  
"Iap!" Unaz called as he ran up to him.  
"Unaz?" Iap opened his eyes and turned towards his brother. "Unaz!" He jumped out of bed and hugged him.

"It's worse than we thought," Iap said, now fully dressed in a king of peasantry clothing. "The Wastes have found a new leader and he is coming this way."  
"It is as I feared," Unaz sighed.  
"Oh, come on, this guy can't be too bad," Lupin said, blowing off the threat.  
"You must never underestimate The Wastes," Unaz hissed.  
Lupin shrugged and rolled his eyes.  
"Iap!"  
They all looked over as Oce walked towards them.  
"C-c-c-cat...." Unaz stuttered as he hid.  
"Oce is a friend, dear brother," Iap assured him with a grin.  
Oce jumped on the table and looked down at Iap. "The scouts are coming," he said. "You must flee. You all must flee. Now!"  
"The scouts?" Jigen wondered.  
"They are here," Oce sensed. "Come with me, quickly!"  
Oce jumped off the table and ran to a side door.  
Lupin opened the door, waiting for everyone to go through before he followed, closing the door and peeking through as odd creatures entered the tavern.  
"Through here," Oce whispered as he pawed a wooden door in the floor.  
Goemon opened the door, he and Jigen going down.  
"You're not coming?" Fujiko asked as Oce sat down.  
"I must stay, but I will be all right."  
Fujiko nodded and went down.  
"I shall remain here as well," Iap said as he stood next to Oce.  
"Stay safe, dear brother," Unaz said. He waved and then jumped on Lupin's shoulder as he started down the hole.  
"Head straight," Oce said. "You will come out of a cave near the forest."  
"Go to Ovwoih," Iap said. "You will be welcome there."  
Lupin closed the door as Oce and Iap looked on.


	40. Chapter 40 : Unwanted Chakra

Release my second chakra. xD Oh my. I am so hoping that that whole story is true. If not, oh well, it gave me a good laugh. This is sort of a sequel to Unexpected Guest, I think it was called. Oh, it was just The Guest, as he was expected by someone.

A little bit of language and crap.

Chapter 40! Woo! When this thing hits 50 the Earth will reverse itself and travel back in time. :D Imma ride teh triceratops!

* * *

**Adventures in Unwanted Chakra**

Goemon slammed the door as he entered the small house he and the others were staying in.

"Hey, Goemon..." Lupin said nothing more as he stared at the back of his friend, flinching as the door to Goemon's room slammed shut.

"What the hell's wrong with him?" Jigen wondered, not really caring as he was too worried about losing all of his money in the card game he and Lupin were deep into.

"Do... do you think we should-"

"No," Jigen said quickly. "Because if you find out then I'll have to get involved and I swear he's worse than a fucking teenager with this crisis shit. So, no, we should do nothing more than sit here and finish this damn game so I can win my money back."

Lupin nodded slowly, occasionally glancing over at the shut door.

––––––––––

"Bull fucking shit!" Jigen said an hour later, throwing his losing hand on the table and standing. "You fucking cheat, you whore!"

Lupin grinned as he collected his winnings. "Oh, quit your crying and I'll go by you a burger or something."

"Fuck you," Jigen said as he walked off, leaving the house.

Lupin prepared for another loud slam, but was kind of shocked when the door was closed normally.

The smile on his face quickly faded as his head turned towards the shut door. Standing, he walked towards it.

"Goemon?" he said with great concern. "Goemon? Can I come in?"

He heard a loud sniffle and was surprised at the door opening, standing and watching as Goemon walked back to the bed, slumping on the edge of it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lupin wondered as he walked over and sat next to his fragile samurai friend.

Goemon nodded slowly before then shaking his head.

He really had no idea what he wanted to do, his experience earlier still too traumatic for him to think straight.

Lupin wrapped an arm around Goemon's shoulders and brought him in closer, holding and comforting him.

"It... it was horrible," Goemon said, forcing himself to stop crying long enough for those three simple words to come out.

"What was horrible?" Lupin asked in a low soothing voice, a voice that showed he cared.

Goemon let out a long emotional sigh as he retold the story of what had taken place earlier that night...

––––––––––

"This place looks good," Goemon said as he approached the small sushi place.

Inside was set up like a usual sushi place with chairs and tables and stuff.

Goemon approved, so he sat down.

On the other side of the room was a familiar looking man, Goemon glancing at him before turning his attention to the menu.

"The special looks good," he mused.

'_**NEVER**_ get the special,' he heard Lupin say in his head, recounting the horrible tale of Lupin ordering the special and then having to get his stomach pumped an hour later.

"I'm not getting the special," Goemon then said to the waitress that approached, the woman backing away from him and his angry stare.

"I want..." Goemon began, reeling off a bunch of nasty raw crap that he oh so enjoyed eating.

The waitress nodded and ran away.

"Hi there," a slurred voice sang nearby.

Goemon looked up at the pudgy man who stood next to him.

"I noticed you looking at me a while ago," the man said with a smarmy grin, inviting himself to sit down next to Goemon.

"I do not approve," Goemon said with an angry face.

The drunken man didn't seem to notice. Or care.

"You're pretty," he slurred, giving a wink to Goemon, who wanted to run away and would have if not for the fact that his yummy food was about to be served to him.

Goemon glared at the man, but then was taken aback at the evil grin he seemed to be getting.

"I know all about you, Goemon," the man said, his demeanor changing. "You and your... _weaknesses_." The last word was said in almost a hiss, the man's grin widening as he reached into his jacket and partially pulled out an object that made Goemon coil in fear.

"Would you... _like_... some?" the man laughed. "They're hard and... _cheesy_." The man cackled.

Goemon peed a little in his man thong.

"I like you, Goemon. You're a man who knows his stuff. Are you familiar with... _chakra_? And don't say no. Remember, Goemon, I know all about you."

Goemon let out a small whine. He just wanted to eat his raw shit. Now he was being harassed by a scary bloated former politician.

"So..." The man smiled as he took hold of Goemon's right hand. "Do you know I have two chakras? Well, I do."

Goemon yanked his hand away when the man had led it to his crotch, Goemon's fingers almost burning as it touched the misshapen bulge.

"I need you to touch it, Goemon," the man cooed into his ear. "My second chakra needs release. Please, Goemon, release it."

Goemon started to stand when his hand was grabbed harshly and he was yanked back to the floor.

"Touch it," the man growled. "Touch it, Goemon! Touch it! Don't make me bring out the Cheetos, damn it! Release my chakra!"

Goemon then let out a loud and long wail as he got himself to his feet and yanked himself away from the desperate man's clutching sweaty hands.

––––––––––

"..." was all Lupin could say as he stared at Goemon with a look of pure horror.

"My... my hand," Goemon said as he clutched his right wrist tightly with his left hand. "It touched pure evil! What do I do to it, Lupin? It won't stop burning!"

"There is only one cure for Gore-itis." Lupin looked away, memories of Fujiko coming back to him and bringing tears to his eyes. "There's only one cure," he whispered.

* * *

Seriously, it's the only way. I know I'd probably imagine myself doing the same to my hand had it touched Gore's limp wrinkly old sausage. D=(

And you know that when a word is capitalized, boldened and italicized that it means serious business. I felt underlining it would be a bit too much, but the thought did cross my mind. xD


	41. Chapter 41 : Adventures in Spiders! 2

One of these days I will have that stream and fish pond in the backyard like me and my dad have wanted for years. I need to stop watching Yard Crashers all day because right now I'm all kid-like excited and thinking "I don't care that it's almost 11pm and that we're moving whenever! I want to go out and start digging a stream and fish pond!" xD

Wow, that last story I did was just... I don't know what to say about it actually. Let's just pretend it never happened.

Okay, this story was inspired by my friend Ruby's experience with an evil diabolical spider. I pictured her as crazed Goemon and thought of this story. Enjoy. :D

* * *

**Adventures in Spiders! The Sequel.**

As was it had been Lupin took refuge in an old run down shack, forcing Jigen and Goemon to endure the awful living conditions.

Jigen mumbled something about being treated better in Vietnam as he shoved a cigarette in his mouth. Although he always seemed to have some weird background story of being in some sort of military or war or whatever where the love of his life was killed before his eyes, his experience in Vietnam had been not because of the war but because he was in the mood for whatever it is that they eat there.

So, it was a peaceful mission. Which ended with him seeing the love of his life killed before his eyes.

The whole experience ruined his vacation. And he never got to fully enjoy his meal.

"Stupid broad," he muttered in annoyance. "This is all your fault," he growled as he glared down at his bulge-less crotch. He continued to mumble random things as he threw himself down on the couch and went to sleep.

Goemon stood still, his eyes darting around him.

"I can feel it," he whispered, his hand tensing around the handle of his sword.

They were always there. Watching him. Spying on his every move with their disgusting eyes, their long spindly legs twitching ever so slightly.

"Feel what?" Lupin asked as he wondered if eating the moldy loaf of bread in his hands would kill him. "Hungry..." he whined, staring at the bread longingly.

"Spider ninjas," Goemon said in disgust. He screaming and sliced wildly, saving Lupin from himself as the loaf of bread was reduced to crumbs that sifted through Lupin's fingers like sand.

Lupin fell to his knees and sobbed, curling up in a fetal position and quickly going to sleep.

If it weren't for the spider ninjas Goemon would have thought less of Lupin, but deep inside of him he wanted to do the same thing.

He heard a noise behind him, an almost inaudible laughing.

"You mock me?" he screamed.

"Shut up in there!" Jigen yelled, woken from his nap.

Goemon didn't hear the forceful demand, all that reverberated in his mind being the high pitched mocking laughter of his mortal enemy.

Goemon let out another scream, whipping out his weapon and slicing randomly, sheathing it slowly and straightening up.

"Once again I cut a worthless object," he muttered, disappointed by nature but happy at the same time.

He started to walk out of the room when he looked down, noticing not his enemy but only a twitching leg laying before his feet. Growling, he snuffed it out with his right shoe.

"Where are you?" he said to himself as he spun around the room, his eyes peering at every dark crevice and corner.

He knew it was still out there somewhere. Only now it had seven legs and was filled with angry thoughts of revenge.

"What are you plotting?" he yelled, randomly slicing a chair, yet too angry to lament the fact he cut a worthless object.

Jigen knew he'd never get any sleep, so he sat up. He thought of getting some lunch, but was now too paranoid to eat, as the last time some chick he knew for an hour and loved more than anything was killed, ruining everything. And so he just wilted away, surviving off booze and cigarettes alone.

He walked to the kitchen and crawled into the luke warm and stinky fridge, closing the door and getting some peace and quiet.

Goemon overturned chairs and bookshelves, since the place was weird and had more than one. He sliced the couch into dust and the kitchen table into firewood.

Nothing.

"I know you're here," he panted, now starting on the wooden floor, slicing apart every plank into toothpicks.

He screamed a high pitched fearful cry as he found a ninja spider lair, disposing of them swiftly with more than perfect accuracy, killing a few roaches that got in the way.

None of his victims had seven legs.

Goemon now shook. Where was his enemy? What sort of revenge was his enemy plotting? Would it have mercy on Goemon? Probably not. All the more reason to find and kill it.

Goemon searched high and low until the shack was nothing but a layer of rubble sitting on a cracked cement foundation.

Unable to sleep he sat on a thin layer of rubble, drawing his knees to his chest as he continued looking around him. Paranoia filled him, every noise causing his eye to twitch just that much more. His teeth began to chatter, his knees knocking together, his cramped hands shaking as his blood shot eyes stood in a permanent half twitch.

The sun rose and yet no one stirred.

But Goemon knew something out there still stirred. An evil and ruthless enemy of the worst kind, it's stub bandaged as it sat it it's war room and plotted diabolical things.

And Goemon could do nothing about it except dwell on what may lay ahead for him.

Meanwhile, in what was left of the kitchen, Lupin awoke, sitting up and stretching.

"Eww, what is that?" he wondered as he brushed something off his upper arm, staring down at the remains of an uneven legged spider he fell asleep on.

"I'm hungry," he whined, opening the fridge and smiling. He then spent the next hour preparing a nice white wine sauce to marinate Jigen in.


	42. Chapter 42 : Poop

I forgot I wrote this and don't know why it ever came to mind. But when I reread it and ended up unable to breathe because I was laughing so hard at the sheer stupidity of it, I knew I had to put it here. :D Enjoy!

* * *

**Adventures in Poop  
**

It was a subject that Goemon liked to avoid altogether. Nature would always call, of course, and sometimes nature was very bossy about things it needed to do. Doing those sorts of things without wanting to do them brought a special kind of shame to the samurai.

He was dignified, debonaire, delicate, but most of all, dainty. He did not do such things.

Jigen and Lupin always wondered, whispering to themselves over such matters as they watched Goemon with a suspicious gaze.

He did pretty much everything they did. He slept, he drank, and he ate. In fact, he ate a lot for a man of his svelteness.

"Have you ever seen him crap?" Jigen asked Lupin as they sat alone on the couch, Goemon out doing whatever it was he did when he was alone.

Maybe that was when he crapped, when he was alone, away from everyone.

Lupin thought about it and laughed it off. Nobody, not even Goemon, was that stupid.

"Everybody craps, Jigen," Lupin said in amusement. "Maybe he's just more private about it."

"Maybe," Jigen muttered. It bugged him. He had no idea why, but it did. If it wasn't such a disgusting subject he'd investigate it more, but wondering and sometimes obsessing over it was already going too far.

Meanwhile, somewhere off, away from all living things, stood Goemon.

A look of discomfort on his face, he stared down at the small hole he had made in the ground.

The area was nicely secluded among the brush and trees, but the memories of long ago still plagued him.

As a kid his dad would tell him to go to the bathroom outside, nobody where he lived civilized enough to have real bathrooms.

As a result the village smelled awful on still days, the smell still burned into Goemon's nostrils.

Goemon feared this task. What if someone smelled it? And then knew that smell was coming from him? He couldn't dare risk that, his girlish image ruined over some disgusting thing nature forced him to do.

He would never just go outside. He'd always go out in the middle of nowhere, making sure no one was around to see, or smell, him doing his bodily duties.

The first time he wandered off to poop he got lost, never to be found for three days. When the villagers found him he was unconscious, his pants filled with the crap he so desperately tried to hold in.

No one told him of this, as they feared he was a bit suicidal and would take his own life should he know the embarrassing state he had been found in.

The second time he was chased by a swarm of bees, found two days later by the same villagers. He was covered in stings, his face swollen and his body reeking of human excrement.

No one told him of this, secrets to be kept forever amongst the villagers.

The third time his dad followed him, sick of all the jokes he was getting about his son, Stinky McPoopybottom, as he was now called.

His dad fell clumsily down a cliff, though, and was unable to stop the hoard of angry chipmunks from literally scaring the crap out of Goemon.

He was found smelling and practically covered in the feces that exploded from him.

His dad was found some time later and mocked some more, the villagers finding it extra hilarious as he, too, has crapped his pants.

But he was a samurai, and he was proud of his bowel movements, so he didn't let it get to him. Much.

After the fourth time of Goemon being found half dead and covered in crap his dad decided he was through with him, sending him off to live with a weird old hermit in the mountains.

He decided the hermit would teach Goemon everything he needed to know about poop.

He didn't know that the hermit had the same odd fear as Goemon. And the same bad luck.

Goemon's first trip outside to do the unspeakable was what drove him off the edge. With nobody to find him and having passed out after being chased by a psychotic pigeon he woke up alone. And unbathed. The smell filled his nostrils. His muscles tightened. His eyes slowly made their way down to the load he felt himself sitting on.

Goemon's dad smiled when he heard the blood curdling scream in the distance.

The flashback of bad memories having passed, Goemon stood staring in fright at the hole. What if it happened again? He now had a reputation. He had grown out of the Stinky McPoopybottom phase of his life.

Hadn't he?

Now he wondered. He was still afraid of pooping. He still went in the woods. He still went into a hole in the dirt.

"It's time," he said, inhaling deeply and puffing his chest out. "It's time for me to be a man," he exclaimed, looking forward with great determination.

Lupin and Jigen glanced at Goemon as he walked proudly into the house.

They looked at each other and shrugged.

Goemon walked into the bathroom and closed the door. He stared down at the porcelain beast.

"I will defeat you," he snarled.

He stood before it and untied his belt thing with much gusto. His pants fell to his ankles as he slowly lifted the lid.

"You will not win anymore," Goemon growled, glaring at the water inside the toilet.

He spun around bravely and lowered his underwear, sitting down gracefully and closing his eyes.

The duty ran smoothly, a successful operation. He found it was much better in a higher sitting position than it was squatting close to the ground.

He eyed the toilet paper cautiously, poking at it before unrolling a wad of it and dabbing at his bottom.

Smiling in satisfaction, he stood and pulled his underwear up. He bent down and pulled his pants up, averting his eyes as he turned and hit the switch to flush the disgusting mess down.

The water swooshed away, but not fully. Confused, Geomon hit the switch again. And again. And again.

Nothing happened. Suddenly there was an awful sound. The floor shook and the toilet belched. And then there was silence.

Goemon bravely peeked into the toilet, holding in his vomit as his brown loaf was still present.

Growling in frustration he hit the switch again, the toilet belching and the water spewing up into his face. A couple more belches finished the job, the product of his bowels breaking up into tiny pieces and spraying all over the front of his body.

Goemon stared down in fright, unable to take anymore as he fainted.

"Did you hear something?" Lupin wondered.

Jigen shrugged.

The two got up and walked to the bathroom, a nasty smell emanating from it. They opened the door and sighed.

"Stinky McPoopybottom has done it again, I see," Lupin sighed in sadness.

"I cleaned him up last time, so have fun," Jigen said as he walked off.

Lupin grumbled. The scene before him was just too awful. What did Goemon eat?

Not wanting to deal with it he closed the door, decided that Goemon could clean up after himself for once.

He was unaware of what his decision would bring for his friend, whose high pitched and panic-filled screeches would fill the city later that night until his voice gave out, his mind quickly following.


End file.
